*~ Unfinished Business...Yes Indeed! ~*

I am not sure if you have ever been to one of my favorite spots in the world, but if you haven't you should. I am talking about The Crescent City. I have been a lot of places but no where is quite like New Orleans. The have their own grammar. If you ask me it's like visiting a different country. There is no place quite like it. One of my best friends is from there. It didn't seem to matter when I called her and told her that I was on my way she would tell me that my room would be ready. She moved before Katrina's bitch ass drowned the city. It breaks my heart to see what has happened to it. I was there not too long ago for Mardi Gras. After two years later shit is still real fucked up. But this story is way before Katrina. Folks were still listening to Master P instead of Lil Romeo when this took place.

This was one of the many times that I have called my big lil sister from the N.O. and told her that I was on my way. By this time she had moved out of the city and moved to the suburbs. As usual my room was ready. She moved into a really cute two story townhouse. I loved her old house though. Her daddy lived in the back house. There seemed to always be some broads back there too. After my friend would go to work he would go and get us a beer and that was breakfast. We did that the entire week of Mardi Gras on one of my earlier trips. There were these hoes that lived next door or somewhere real close. To get to where her daddy lived you had to either open the gate or go through the house. Well these broads would jump the fence. They would walk up the porch and hop down on the other side of the fence. I don't know if my friend gave them the name or I did. They were the rail hopping hoes. Her daddy may not have been a player but I think he played one on TV.

Anyway on to the story. My friend loved these little hole in the wall spots there are little corner bars sprinkled everywhere throughout the city. She loved the 9th ward, and I did too. There was never a dull moment. I was told that I couldn't bring in a comb to one spot we went to. I was told that some girls have been known to use it as a weapon. The bouncer told me to either put it back in the car or trash it. In the trash it went. I wish that I could remember the name of this spot she took me to, but it burned down a year or two after this trip. The place wasn't that big, but there seemed to be a million people in there. I don't even remember a dance floor but folks were dancing. The chicks out there love shaking that ass. I remember a line of them dancing solo facing the wall shakin what they mamma gave em! There were more people outside the bar then in. They were playing a lot of New Orleans music and this little bar was jumping. If there is one thing I know the dudes love the dreads there. Dreads heads were floating in and out of the bar. If you have dreads in the N. O. it is damn near like a camouflage. There was folks smoking weed in the club it was pure comedy. There was this real tall chocolate man that walks in. I am short but still it seemed like he was a good foot and a half taller then me. I love something that I can climb on. I have a soft spot for those tall lanky men. It's juicy too. Well my friend knows this big tree of a man. His name was Khalil. I am not sure how the conversation started but I am glad it did. Some of my friends call me Woody. I am almost sure that is how I was introduced. Maybe that is how what happened did. Now we all know that there are a few men who lie on their dick. They swear that they are breaking backs. Then when you get to the nitty gritty you feel like you should have just masturbated. Or at the very least left your clothes on. There are also the men who brag how big their dick is. When you see it all you can think is, "Damn!?!" "Is that it?"

Khalil hung out was in and out the bar most of the night like everyone else. Some how I kinda sorta started the conversation of dick size. I mean he is tall and lanky and that usually means a big dick right? It is not guaranteed trust me. but you usually cannot lose with the basketball build. That reminds me of a different whore story. I will tell you about that one at another time...Now back to Khalil. He was going on and on about what he was working with. There is nothing like hearing a New Orleans man speak. Beh-beh! I love the way they say baby. The first trip there I told the boys that my name was Baby. Just to hear them say it. By this time I had grown tired of this man talking about his meat flute and what he could do with it. So I asked to see it. Now right there in front of God and everyone this man pulls it out. Not the least be ashamed. I wish I had a picture of my face at that moment. I have never been so shocked in my life. On most occasions once you ask to see the dick the man will usually shut the fuck up, try to change the subject, or makeup some lame ass story why they can't. Not Mr. Khalil OH no indeed! He just stood there bow legged with this big black dick in his hand. It wasn't even hard but I new without a doubt this had to be the biggest dick I had ever seen! He had his dick in one hand and a smile on his face as if he was saying, "Now What?" Now me not wanting to be outdone I yell.

"Check Please!"

There are no waitresses in this joint, but I had to do or say something because that big dick had me shook. Khalil calls my bluff though and he is like,

"So, what's up? Are we rolling?"

How romantic huh? I laugh because that is what I do when I get nervous. My big lil sis is just looking at me like you got yo ass into this. She is just standing there laughing at me. Ain't this some shit? Once again my big ass mouth has gotten my ass in trouble. My reply was that I had to ask my friend if he could come over. I was still in shock at what had just happened. I was shocked and horny at the same time. Khalil had Miss Kitty thumping! It felt like my coo coo had her own heart beat.

Now he is going on and on about me wanting to see and asking what I was going to do with it. I was thinking that I was on vacation why not! He asked if I had some condoms. Well of course I do. I keep condoms as if they were my American Express. I never leave home without them. So I ask my big lil sis if he can come over. She said that she didn't care, and that was that off we go.

When we get to her place Khalil and I go to my room so that I could be properly introduced to his bayou boogie. So when we get into the room he starts to undress. We lay on the bed an start touching one another. Now I thought that he had a big dick in the bar. It was only until we started touching each other that I realized what I seen at the bar was just a preview of what was to cum. His sleeping monster was awakened by my touch. I like to rub my thumb over the head of a hard penis down the grove in the center. The head of a penis always reminds me of a fireman hat. We are about to get busy so I get the condoms out. I hand one to Khalil he looks at it then me he says .

"Damn"

"What do you mean damn?" I say

"You don't have any Magnums?'

"Um No?"

Well no I didn't have any damn Magnums. I had never seen anything like what this man had between his legs. I had condoms I always do. I wasn't used to fucking with donkey dicks. Now he's pissed. He was saying shit like I should have know he couldn't fit all that dick into one of those little ass condoms. Well that was the end of that. He couldn't fit the condom and neither of us was fucking without one. I roll one way and he rolls another and we fall asleep, or I pass out one. His phone rings a few hours later and he leaves. I knew that the next time I seen him I would have some Magnums. Since that day I carry two condoms in my purse at all times. I keep a regular condom for the regular dicks and a Magnum for the dicks that are Magnum.

All I know is that he and I have some unfinished business. If by chance I do run into him I'll be prepared trust me. I would ask my big lil sis if she had seen him or heard what ever happened to him. Khalil either died or was displaced like so many others. No one knew whatever happened to him after Katrina drowned the city.

~The End~

~~My Texas Strangler~~

My daddy used to always tell me that I was always letting my mouth get my ass in trouble. Once again he was right.

A bunch of co-workers bought tickets to the Cowboy game. We had people coming in from all over so we planned to tailgating. We had tables, plenty of food, tequila, and anything else you wanted. We planned on doing it big. We all met at the office and rode a caravan to the stadium. We arrived at the stadium about 8:00 to get a good spot. It was misty rain in the air but it was expected so every one was bundled up. Since it was kinda cold that morning we had a nice hearty breakfast that consisted of sausage and tequila. We had so much food. There were 4 grills going at the same time. It didn't take us long to warm up there was just as much alcohol as there was food. We were having a hee haw good time. There were some big lumber jack white boys that came in for the game from Lubbock. They were hilarious. They were loud and big, hell that JC was juuuuuuust right. More about him later.

A friend of my co-worker Kevin was there. Just a regular ass Dallas Black man. Did I mention that he had a signature South Dallas gold tooth? As much as I would like to deny it or leave this part out, all of my stories are true to the best of my recollection. When Kevin introduced me to James and he smiled I noticed the toof. He was a big Cowboy fan and had on the hat and jersey to prove it. He was cute except for that got damned tooth. I wasn't interested in him at all. He was a little too country for me. He was shorter then I prefer but dressed and smelled nice all the same.

We all had to trek about a mile to the stadium it was one hell of a walk. We were all nice and drunk. That seemed like we walked the quickest mile ever. We were all laughing and joking the whole way. It seemed like everyone on this walk was good and drunk. Some people walked by drinking and smoking weed. It was great! Most of the group was drinking right up to the gates. We found out nose bleed seats right before kick off. We were one rowdy drunk bunch. I made sure that I sat next to JC he was one funny lumber jack! This dude was non-stop laughs. He pissed off a man that was sitting in front of us because he kept cussing. It was "Did you see that mother fucker?" and "That was some bullshit!" Well that man in front of us kept looking back at JC. I was laughing uncontrollably because I could tell that this man was about to lose it. I have a problem laughing at the most inappropriate times. I told JC that that man was getting pissed. He didn't give a rats ass on a glue trap that that man was getting upset. He just kept getting louder. So finally the man told him that he needed to stop all of that cussing that him and his family didn't appreciate it. There I go again with the giggling, It was damn near half time at that point. So the next thing that JC hollers was.

"Did you see that mother tucker?"

I thought that I was about to die! The man whipped his head around and JC just shrugged, and said that he didn't cuss. Well he didn't. I laughed so hard I damn near peed on myself. I might have a little bit. (lol) He had another as well. "That was some bullshot" Every time he shouted some made up cuss word I fell out!

I don't even remember who won. I am guessing that the cowboys did because we ended up in the Cowboy Corral. The Corral is where you get to hang out after the game and drink some more. Just what we needed right? We were all pretty much out of control. I was talking shit to Kevin's friend James. I seem to do that pretty well. Kevin told me to ask James what his nick name was. So I ask him and he gives me another one of those gold toof smiles. He asks me if I really wanted to know. Kevin is nudging me snickering "a he he he". I told him yes I wanted to know or I wouldn't have asked. He tells me Peter.

"OK,um. What the hell is funny about that?"

Kevin says ask him to tell you the rest. I am drunk and done playing their silly ass game. So I tell James just to tell me or don't I couldn't give a shit.

James was like "yeah, I like for my women to talk shit."

I rolled my eyes. He told me that his friends called him Peter because he was the Pussy eater. OK, great you are just another man that eats pussy. He went on and on about how good he was and that he would like to show me. I am not from the show me state but I can pretend. I am not sure how long after this I decided to take him home but it was probably right after we got thrown out of the Corral for something that JC did. That was one wild and crazy guy! I can't remember what he did to get us kicked out though I was drink remember?

James and I were going to sneak to my place for what I planned to be a quickie. The rest of the group was going to a sports bar to watch the rest of the 2nd games. Before we left for my house James asked me if I had ever heard of a man by the name of Kem. I told him that no I hadn't so he went to Kevin's truck to get the CD. When we get to my apartment I guess he is trying to set a "mood" so he tells me to put in the CD and put it on number on 6 (When Love Calls-Kemistry). I love Kem don't get me wrong, but this dude has forever soiled this song. I cannot hear this song to this day without getting a sick feeling in my stomach. I will put my hand on a stack of bibles and attest that what I am about tell you know is God honest truth. When the music starts he asks me to dance with him. I get up and we start to dance. The music is good. He is grinding on me but I am horny right now. That alcohol had my kitty thumping. So it's cool right? Everything is all good. He sits me down in my leather rocking chair when it happens. He starts dancing for me. Like a chocolate ass Chippendale! I hate male strippers! There is something wrong about a man that can prance around a club for a dollar. I will save that rant for another time. Any way...this man is dancing around and removing his clothes all through my house. I ask him to please stop. I didn't want to hurt his feeling with what I am sure is a look of disgust on my face. He says to me that this was his first time ever doing something like this. I was thinking to myself, why in the hell is he using me as a Guinea pig? I was embarrassed for him really. I was not feeling this shit one bit! Matter of fact I had made a deal with myself. I had decided that if he took off his pants and he had on some bikini drawls that was going to be the deal breaker. He was going to have to get his black ass the fuck outta my house!! He didn't have on bikini briefs, or tightie whiteys on. Thank goodness for him. Because I shit you not, if he did? He was getting his black ass outta my apartment!

He undresses me and sits me back down on the rocking chair and goes to work. Not only does this chair rock it also reclines and spins. I suggest if you don't have one get one! You can get into all kind of trouble in that chair! He had me contorted in that chair with my boots hooked over the back of the chair and my ass in the air going to work. I am flexible dammit! Don't let the chubbiness fool you. I will be a reference for him if anyone ever questions his nick name of Peter...yes ma'am I will! Well this rendezvous of ours took longer then expected and I had to drive his ass all the way home. Everyone had decided not to go to the sports bar. I guess getting thrown out of one bar was good enough for one day. It was on the trip home that he told me that he was married but separated. OPPS! I have got to remember to ask that question! Married but separated is still that, married. If you have a marriage license and no divorce decree you are married...period. I blame myself as much as I blame him I should have asked but didn't. You live and learn. I was done with him at that point...doomp doomp doomp another one bites the dust.

It was months later that I found out that James finally was divorced. James wanted Kevin to tell me and see if he could get my number. I agreed and Kevin game him my number. I don't remember now how long it took for us to connect again. This particular time was probably our second or third get together after we reconnected. But now you are going to find out his new nickname and the reason for the title.

I met him at his house for a late night creep. I sat my purse and down in the kitchen. I am not sure that we got started right after hello. He lifted me up on the kitchen counter pulled up mu skirt and started eating my pussy. You would think that Miss Kitty is steak flavored the way these dudes like tasting me. I don't mind a bit I enjoy feeding the needy. He doesn't stop feasting on me until he makes me cum. Right there on the counter where I am sure he makes his meals. He helps me off the counter thankfully because my knees almost gave out. Ol boy's mouth was going platinum!! He turns me around and lifts up one knee on the counter and is letting me have it! My head is keeps bumping the cabinet, but I am not about to ask him to stop. It could have gave me a concussion for all I cared at the moment. I am making so much noise it was a good thing he lived in a house. My nosey ass neighbors would have called the police. We move into the bedroom and he is fucking me doggie style.

He whispers in my ear "do you like it rough?"

I hate trying to answer questions when I am having sex! I some how scream out yes in between my moans. When out of no where this mother fucka has me in some kind of a wrestling mixed marital arts submission head lock. Now at first I am thinking OK this shit is weird but he is fucking the shit out of me! Whatever he is doing is working. Then his grip gets tighter. I try and wiggle around because it is getting kind of hard to breath. That doesn't work, his grip gets even tighter. Now the shit is scary because it gets even tighter and now I cannot breath! He has me on all fours. I try and used one of my hands to tap out. I am not into this sadomasochistic bullshit. I mean hello I said I liked it rough? I was thinking some ass slapping, throwing me on the bed, and maybe some hair pulling. Not some erotic asphyxiation bullshit. Aren't you supposed to have a safe word and shit? The tap out doesn't work. I cannot speak because I cannot breath! I was gasping for air. This bastard is hunching a hundred pumps a minute. When I reached up to tap his forearm that is now literally choking the life out of me my other arms gives and the pillow that he used to prop my ass in the air is further blocking any chance of gasping for air. My face is in the pillow and his ass now has all of his weight on me. Right when I thought that I was about to black out or die he cums and lets go of my neck. F I N A L L Y !! I can breath! I was PISSED. The first thing that I said when I was able to catch my breath is,

"Nigga, are you trying to kill me!?!?"

He was like, "What are you talking about? I thought you liked it rough?"

"Rough I like. I couldn't breath asshole!"

He is laying there next to me breathing hard and shit. I should have karate chopped this bastard in the Adams apple. I get up and go through the house picking up my clothes n shit that are thrown throughout the house. I am pissed and stomping around because the only thing in my mind is getting my black ass the hell out of there. He is following me around the house as I am picking up my shit begging me to stay the night. Talking about how late it was and how far of a drive I had. It didn't matter how long I had to drive! I was getting the fuck out of his house, and going home. He started to apologize and told me that he thought that I like it. Yeah I liked it until I couldn't breath. He was like you didn't say anything.

"Well no shit!? I didn't say anything because I couldn't breath!"

He is now known to all my friends as James the Choker. I have ran into him several times after this and even had sex with him a couple of times after. It took a year or so before we hooked up after this happened. He really was sorry. At the time it was beside the point. All I knew that this was just another instance of my mouth getting my ass in trouble. Rough my black ass!!

~The End~

Pussycapades

Since I have started writing these stories it has brought back quite a few memories some of which I would rather forget. I was sitting around with a friend of mine exchanging whore stories when I remembered JP. His chapter in my life spans over a few years. But with most of the men in my life came a first. So sit back and relax pour you a glass of wine. This one here is going to be a doozie!

I met JP in one of my favorite hang outs back in the day. It was called the Cowboys Sports Cafe. This spot was notorious for wild times. It was not out of the ordinary to see the Cowboy players. Micheal Irvin was always there with his entourage of 10 to 15 dudes. That was until Jerry Jones banned them from coming in there. JP was playing pool when I spotted him. He was well dressed, but somewhat over dressed for a sports bar so he stood out to me. He had on a button up polo shirt, some khakis and some dress shoes. He was tall and slender with a baby face. This night the Cafe was jumping the Cowboys won so everyone was in good spirits and drunk. I was sitting at one of the tables with my friends when he approached us. We were all making general conversation. His conversation started being directed to me. I guess he had made his choice. I unfortunately was still dealing with a crying ass boyfriend. I told him up front that I was seeing some one. Like most men he didn't give a shit, and truth be told neither did I.

He talked me into playing pool with him. I am horrible at pool but he wanted to "help" me. His way of helping was just a way for him to get closer to me. I didn't mind one bit! He helped me hold the pole while leaning on me from behind. We played a few games of pool. After the pool playing my girls were ready to go home. I noticed that he had a couple of rubber bands on his wrist he kept popping them. I asked him what they were for and he told me it was a secret and that I would find out later. I told my girls that I was going to stay a while longer and hang out with my new found friend. I stayed talking to him for a while. It was getting late and I told him that I needed to go home. He handed me a little sheet of paper with a hand written note that read. JP good for one night of pleasure, satisfaction guaranteed. I thought that this was the cutest thing. I was still young and very gullible. I ate it up. I giggled when I read it. He just in return gave me a sexy smile. I told him that it was nice meeting him and hanging out. He asked me for a hug which I gladly gave and home I went. To think about him the rest of the night.

About 6 months went past before I seen JP again. It was at the sports bar when I laid my eyes on him. I was finally done with crying ass Jerrod(yay!). I told him how good it was to see him. I got that nervous , butterflies in my tummy feeling that I get when I am interested in someone. I wasn't sure if he recognized me. I knew in the second that our eyes met that he did. I waved to him and he walked over to me. We made the usual chi chat that you do when you haven't seen anyone for a while. He asked me if I still had my coupon. Of course I did. I kept it in my jewelry box. He reminded me that it didn't have an expiration date. He sat with me and my friends to watch the game. He kept finding ways to touch me. I could feel a spark each time our flesh touched. I knew that I was going to have him. After the game he again wanted to play pool. I told him that the only way I would play is if he "helped" me again, which of course he did. After we finished playing pool he asked me if I would like to take a walk with him. There was a stream that ran through the city behind the bar. I agreed.

The stream walk was about 3 blocks from the bar. I drove us there. As we are walking down the stream he talked about eating my pussy. He told me that he didn't want to have sex yet. He just wanted to see what I tasted like. I was amazed at how blunt he was when it was just the two of us. We are out in the open. I told him no because some one might see. He told me that it was late and no one would be coming by. I have on my "lucky" pants or my get em girl pants. Why not I thought you only live once. Just thinking about it was exciting. I did not know why the men here could be cool with just eating pussy. He was not the first or the last either for that matter. We walk into a tunnel that was just about 50 yards from the street. He helps me take off my pants and lifts me up on the brick wall that lines the walk. Voila he dives in like a champ. When I am almost at orgasms we hear foot steps coming. I have to jump off the wall and try and get these tight ass pants back on before we are caught. I made it though barley. The man that was jogging by was looking at us crazy. I am sure we looked guilty as hell and we were laughing uncontrollably. JP's face was glistening from my juices under the full moon . We exchange numbers and I drove him back to the bar to get his car. He found some pictures of me in my car and asked for one so I gave it to him. Our night ended with a kiss.

In talking on the phone with JP over the next few days I find out that he is in law enforcement. He had a son that he was raising alone because his ex-wife didn't want to be a mother. He and his son were staying with his sister so that she could help raise him. My heart went out to him. It is so rare to hear about a man raising his own child. I was not a fan of dating men with children at the time, but for him I made an exception. I could talk to him for hours.

We decided to meet up at the movies a few days later. He asked that I wear a skirt so that he could have easy access. When we get there I asked him what movie did he want to see. He tole me that he didn't have any intention of watching a movie. OK now I am confused. I asked him why we are here if he didn't want to watch a movie. He gave me another one of those sexy bad boy grins and told me had something else in mind. He bought us tickets to Mystery Alaska. The only thing I knew about that movie was that it was in Alaska and about hockey. There was only three other people in there to see the movie. The theatre that we were in had stadium seating. We went to the very top and sat in the middle of the row. We put the arm rests in between the seats making the row into a makeshift bed. I wore a skirt like he asked no panties, no I know why. Viola again he dives in. It took everything in me to hold in my moans and groans JP was good at this! After he made me cum I sit back up in my seat looking at the back of the heads that are in front of us. I returned the oral favor. That is when I found out what the rubber band was for. He used the rubber band for a cheap version of a cock ring! He was too young to have dick problems. I know that if those people would have looked back they would have seen what looked like me bobbing for apples in his lap. Now as if having oral sex in public wasn't enough. We start having sex. I am riding him in a backward cowgirl. I don't know how I let this man talk me into this. The thought of getting caught made it better. We finished before the movie was over. He wanted to leave, but there was no way in hell I was going to shimmy my ass down those stairs and tip out in front of those people just in case they got a show.

The shit hits the fan that same weekend! As usual me and a group of friends meet up at the sports bar to watch football. I was in shock as to what happens next. In walks JP with a very pregnant woman. Not only is this woman pregnant she is wearing a wedding ring. She is obviously staring at me and wants me to see her. JP looked more nervous then a hoe in church. Naturally he wasn't trying to make eye contact with me. Now if I was a hood rat I would have clowned his ass. My friends are asking me if I wanted to leave because I was pissed! There was no way in hell I was leaving. I was there every Sunday this was my hang out. If anyone was going to leave it was going to be their ass! This woman or what I found out later was his wife couldn't take her eyes off of me. They get up and leave about 30 minutes after they arrived. There were no words exchanged just a bunch of dirty looks. I felt sorry for her, but it wasn't my fault she was married to a lying cheating ass bastard.

By the time I got home that night he had called me 5 times. At first I wasn't going to talk to him. I decided to answer his call after all of the pathetic messages he left. When I he called he tried to make light of the situation saying well the cat is out of the bag. Well no shit! Yeah the cat is out of the bag. Not only was he still married she was pregnant with their second child. They still lived together there wasn't even a separation. All of what he told me was a lie. I asked him why was she looking at me like she knew me. He told me that she did know who I was. She knew who I was because his stupid ass hid the picture that I gave him under the floor mats of the car that they shared! Not only was he cheating on his pregnant wife he had the audacity to have proof! Stupid Bitch! He tried to lie and tell her that I was messing with his homeboy. Wifey didn't buy that lame ass story. She made him bring her to the cafe so that she could see me for herself. What a bastard! He told me that he was glad that I knew the truth. He didn't want the fact that he was married have to come between us. I was gullible but I still knew the difference between right and wrong. I told him that I was done with his ass and to not ever call me again. That was the last conversation I had with JP for the next 5 years...

To be continued.

There's A First Time For Everything

There is a first time for everything is what they tell me. I didn't chose to wait, I just did. I wish that I could say that I was saving myself for marriage, but that wasn't the case. My daddy intimidated most of the boys in my neighborhood where I grew up. Everyone knew my dad. He worked at the State Pen. To make matters worse I was adopted by the Munoz family next door. The Munoz family consisted of six boys and one girl. Liz was the baby and also my best friend. So they treated us like little kids most of the time and the boys were also afraid of the Munoz'. So back then I didn't have a chance in hell of getting my cherry popped. My dad and the Munoz' made sure of that.

I grew up a chubby girl in Albuquerque. Yes there are black people there. That is usually the first question I get when I tell people where I am from. We only make up about 3% of the population. Growing up there is hard on black females. Most of the black boys dated the Mexican girls. I grew up thinking that I wasn't cute. Hell I was chubby simple as that. Being a chubby teenager does nothing for ones self esteem. I moved to Texas when I was 20. My eyes were wide open. I was living in a place where every where you looked there was someone that looked like me. It was great! Suddenly I wasn't just another fat black face in the crowd. People were actually noticing me. I loved it here.

As you may have read in a previous story I woke up one morning and just had to have "it". I was working in a big company with tons of men. I had been here for close to two years. Everyone was hooking up. I had my eyes on Johnny Clyde. I was in love with him. He was tall and bald just like I like em. I admired him from a far for a long time. I was pretty shy back in the day. We became friends, he was my buddy. I would make it a point to where my Heather Locklear business suits then sashay by his desk. He wanted to go out for drinks one night. After the drinks we sat in my car and made out. He could have had me that night if he wanted to. Telling him my secret ruined that idea though. I told him that I was a virgin and wanted him to be my first. Who knew that would be a mistake. Not me or I would not have told him. He told me that he wouldn't do it. He was going through a divorce at the time. He told me that it needed to be special. That he didn't want the responsibility of taking my chastity. I can understand it now, but at the time it hurt my feelings. Then somehow the word got out. Everyone knew my dirty little secret. That is what is funny about a secret. Once you tell one person, it's no longer a secret. It was so obvious that I was now a moving target with these bastards. I didn't trust any of them. I actually over heard 2 of them bastards discussing which one of them were going to "get me". Neither I cussed their asses out right then and there. They were both attractive men but they were also a couple of the many office hoes. We were cool after that. Just had to clear the air...bastards. There was no way in hell any of them was going to be able to say that they "had me".

So my search continues...My best friend is from Shreveport, LA. We would burn up I-20 going back and forth between Texas and Louisiana. It's only about a three hour drive. We would go to these little hole in the walls Lacy's and Mable's. Lacy's played hip hop, and Mable's played old school. There were many a drunken night in those clubs. They were right next door to one another. My best friend is 10 years older then me so she would spend most of her time in Mable's, and me in Lacy's. I would hop back and forth between the two all night. It was on yet another drunken rendezvous that I met him. His name was Willie. Sparks were flying. I caught him staring at me. After awhile of our eye locking he walks over to where I was. The saying is true or it was in this case. I knew within a few minutes that I wanted him. It was odd to me then. It could have been the tequila. Whatever this feeling was, it was awesome! He asked me to dance and I guess you could call it that. The old folks would call it dry hunching. I have never been big on public sighs of affection, but we couldn't keep our hands or mouths for that matter off of each other. We closed the club that night as me and my friend did on quite a few occasions. My friend found us lip locking against the wall. I had forgot all about her. Willie and I exchanged numbers and promised to call each other.

Over the next few weeks we talked on the phone everyday. We talked about the sparks we felt for one another. We laughed at almost having sex against that wall. About a month or so after our first meeting there I was burning up I-20 again. This time I was on a mission. I was on my way to get me some. Oddly enough I wasn't nervous. I wasn't in love with this man. I wasn't delusional it was what it was. I wanted to have sex. That was what it was about and I was driving 3 hours to get it. I didn't tell Willie I was a virgin because I didn't want him to back out of the deal. All of my girl friends back home were rooting me on. They couldn't wait to hear the details. I couldn't wait to tell them.

When I arrive in the city I call Willie and we are going to meet up after he gets off work. He worked at one of the many casinos there. He didn't live alone. He lived with his mamma so naturally we aren't going to his house. He comes and picks me up at my friends house and greets me with one of those sweet kisses of his. No off we go. OK so now I am getting a little nervous. We are driving around looking for a motel. We get to the room and start kissing. I was having an internal panic attack. Willie wants to take a shower because he just got off. While he is in the shower I am thinking do I take my clothes off? I am trying to position myself on the bed in a sexy pose. That wasn't working. Everything I did seemed wrong. We haven't even started yet and I needed this part to be over. I felt so got damn awkward. When he finally gets out of the shower he is standing in front of me in nothing but a towel. I didn't have the first clue on what to do next...so I sit. He comes over to the bed and sits next down next to me. We start kissing and again the sparks. I am grinding against his body when he starts to undress me. Now I am starting to panic again. It is about to go down! I am now completely naked. I didn't know much but I did know I didn't want any got damn kids. I asked him where the condoms were. I thought that was his job. He doesn't have any, so off to the store he goes.

I am laying there waiting for him to get back. Again I thought about a sexy pose. That shit just wasn't working for me. I laugh at the thought. He gets back and we get started again. He puts on the condom when the funniest shit E V E R happens! He was like I need you to help me. His voice was almost trembling. I am thinking to myself that I am the last person that can help you with it. Hell I didn't even know how they worked yet. Flicks were the closest I had been to a dick. He reaches over and turns on the light. Willie had some how gotten his pubes twisted in the condom. He was laying there begging for me to help him. I couldn't help but to bust out laughing my ass off. He didn't thing that there was shit funny at the time. That's when I spilt the beans. I told him that I was a virgin and I didn't know what to do. He was going to have to fix it. Then he shocked the shit outta me. He told me that he was a virgin too! Well I will be got damn. How in the hell out of all the dicks in the world do I end up with a man whose dick had never been in another pussy? That is the kind of dumb luck my black ass has. Now we are both rolling. We are laying there belly laughing. He somehow gets his pubic hair loose from being intertwined in the rubber.

Let's Get Ready To RUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE! Yeah right? I heard that the shit was supposed to hurt but not as much as it did. It could have been because there wasn't much foreplay besides kissing. He didn't even try rubbing my kitty. He must have tried for 10 minutes to get his dick inside of me. That shit was not working. That's it I quit! I told him that he should just quit. I had at that instant accepted the fact that I would always be a virgin. The shit wasn't happening. He was like you just need to relax. I mean seriously how could he think that I could calm relax? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. I told him that he could try one more time. If it didn't go in he was taking me back to my friends house. I couldn't take any more of this. That must have been what he needed because it went in then.

It wasn't so bad after he got it in. I even rode it for a little bit. It was as if all of the porn and masturbating over the years had paid off. I didn't think that I would be able to have an orgasm either my first time. I did that too. Ol' Willie wasn't so bad. We both fell asleep after it was over. I felt different some how. I'm sure what that feeling was but I know that I woke up with a smile on my face.

Willie and I only seen each other 3 times after our initial encounter. I don't remember now how we drifted apart, we just did. I didn't fall madly in love with him because he was my first lover. He lived too far away. Once I got started it was on a popping. I am still glad that I waited until I thought that I was ready. I don't have any regrets. I didn't have the usual horror story that some women have. My first time wasn't an accident, it didn't just happen. My first time was hilarious. It was planned and calculated. I didn't know who it would be but someones son had to do it. There is a first time for everything.

Thanks Willie.

You Can't Turn A Ho Into A Housewife

I got a call from one of my "friends" wanting me to meet him at a strip club. We met up at the nastiest strip club ever. These broads had stab and bullet wounds. On some of these scallywags you could see how they were showing off their C-section scars. One of them was even pregnant. This was the type of place where they should have been playing the dudes for lap dances. It was called Crybabies. The piece of shit is closed now. It was so dark in there. My guess is so you couldn't really get a look at the tramps they had in there dancing. The only lights they had in there were light bulbs hanging over the mini stages that the girls danced on. The mini stages were what looked like old pool tables. This wasn't my first strip club just the nastiest. To make matters worse it was BYOB. There was a little bit of everything going on in there right in the open. It was as if each corner had it's own function. The had a corner where some men were gambling, a corner for buying drugs. The back wall was for the lap dances and blow jobs. There was a girl getting a Heineken bottle shoved up her pussy for a dollar! These bitches where bad off for real. I am sure you are wondering why in the hell we are even in there...or why I am at least. My friend had some business he had to tend to in one of those corners. While he as taking care of his business was when I was able to see all of the bullshit taking place. These girls were dancing and letting these random ass men eat their coochies and put fingers, pool sticks whatever else they could find in there. I don't know what could happen to a person to get this low. Some of these bastards didn't even tip. I actually seen a dude in there eating pussy. Now it is bad enough to even let one of these whores suck your dick with 3 condoms on. But to see a man eating one of these hookers pussy made me throw up in my mouth! I am sure he got instant AIDS that night.

We leave and are headed to my place. As nasty as that place was I couldn't help feeling horny. I had a lot of time while I was sitting at the bar drinking. I was good n drunk by the time we got home. It was like a train wreck in there. I just couldn't look away! As soon as we get to my place it is going down! We are ripping off each other's clothes. He threw me against the wall and starts by eating my pussy. Turns my around and starts fucking me doggie style. Whoa nah. Right there on the wall. It was something to go down in the history books, or at least a blog. I have always wanted to have sex like on the movie "Sliver". It was the movie with one of the Baldwin boys and Sharon Stone. There was a scene in the movie where she went to meet him in his apartment. He appears out of no where and just takes it. He doesn't say a word he throws her against the wall and starts hitting that ass from the back. Sounds good huh? It was.

The next morning when I wake up I am starving! I decided that I am going to cook us breakfast. I am not the domestic type at all. I though that I would show my appreciation for last night by cooking breakfast. Nothing major bacon, eggs, and biscuits. I cook my bacon in a Pyrex dish in the oven because I cannot stand popping grease. When the bacon is done, I take it out of the oven and place it on the stove until the eggs are done. I hear the bacon popping again that is when I realized I had left one of the eyes on. No big deal I take the bacon off of the stove and place the pan on the microwave. As soon as it touched the microwave...KA-POW, BOOM, BLAM!! The got damn pan explodes! There is grease and glass every damn where. I have grease dripping from my ceiling. My friends peeks into the kitchen I am sure expecting to see my bloody headless corpse laying on the kitchen floor. I am standing there with I am sure a look of horror on my face. I was standing there speechless with my hand over my mouth. All he said was...

"Say lil mamma. Sounds like you fucked something up."


Well no shit. It was so loud I am surprised the nosey ass lady from next door didn't call the police. Once he discovered that I wasn't dead or hurt. He must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. I have to admit I was laughing too. That shit was hilarious. Who in the hell blows up a Pyrex dish? I still don't know why or how in the hell that happened. I was still finding pieces of Pyrex here and there until the day I moved out of that place. Needless to say I have learned my lesson. I don't own anything Pyrex! The most important lesson I learned from all of this is...You can't turn a ho into a housewife.

All You Can Eat For Under A Buck!!

I was a late bloomer to some. Not in the usual sense. I had tiddies by 8 and I started my period at 10. If I remember correctly 10 was also the age that I started to masturbate. I didn't start having sex until I was 22. That was a crazy time. It seemed as though I woke up one morning and just had to have it. After the first guy it was on and popping. I mean it was like I had a new toy that I wanted to show off!

At around this time in my life I had been in TX for about 2 years. I had recently met a cousin that had moved here from California. He was 27 year old Mason. Married and he hated her. He had previously set me up with one of his Mason brothers. That was my first and last blind date. His name was Lafayette. Need I say more? Well they were having some sort of a formal dinner and he wanted me to come and bring a couple of my girl friends. I invited a couple of girl friends and we go to this formal dinner...full of Old ass Masons.

It was in a nice place. They had a ban playing. Everyone looked really nice. Once the dinner is over my cousin comes over and wants to know which one of his "brothers" I had my eye on. He was always trying to hook me up. I thought that was hilarious because most of them were either too old or married. I laughed and told him none of them. He told me that a couple of his "brothers" wanted to meet us. We were ready to go hell. I begged him to just let me go home. The girls and I had to get the hell outta of these prom dresses that we bought for this event. He insisted that we meet these Masons Finally we agreed after a few minutes of begging him to just let us go home. We meet these guys and they were just as ready to go as we were. The short one Mike invites us to his house that wasn't too far away. There was some big fight on that night. So we thought that we would go to his place and watch the fight. Neither of my girls wanted to roll to this guy's house. I couldn't care less I was going with or with out them, and I did. There was a fight on.

I followed him to his house. It was a really nice big house in a new sub division. There were only 5 or so houses standing in his neighborhood. When we arrive at the house it is him and a friend of his. Me and two guys that I really don't know. My cousin told me before I left that he was a good guy, and that he would take care of me. Cool no problem, right? I was only going over to watch a fight. I am sure that it was one of the many Mike Tyson fights. Mike offers me a seat and a drink. We are drinking and laughing when he starts to roll up a blunt. I am thinking to myself that these Mason guys aren't so bad after all. While we were watching the fight I realized that now I was drunk and high. Not just a little drunk, but a lotta drunk. I was also a bit uncomfortable in this got damn prom dress. OK, it wasn't really a prom dress it was just really tight. It was form fitting and my granny talked me into wearing a got damn girdle. I am hot and sitting here miserable. I get up and to to the bathroom to try and pee some of this alcohol out. That was my thinking at the time. I had a bright idea to take off this contraption and hide it next to the trash. I would just pick it up on my way out. Ahhh relief!! That was the best idea I had that night. I don't know why I let my granny talk me into wearing that shit in the first place! Back to the story...

When I come out of the bathroom the friend is mysteriously gone. He broke out while I was in the restroom. I know now what was up but at the time I didn't. I was still real new to all of these mating rituals. The fight is over and he offers me another drink. I also had a hard time to saying no to free drinks. You live and you learn. LOL We are just making general chit chat when he asked me if I would like a massage. No one had ever offered to do that. Sure I said. I lay down on the couch on my tummy. He had warmed some kind of oil, and it began. I felt like he must of had some sort of super human powers because everywhere he touched me felt like little electric jolts. It felt so damn good. Before I knew it I was slow grinding the couch. This man had hands of silk. He turned me over and started to do the same to my shoulder, my neck, and also my chi chi's (tiddies). I mean it was like this dude that I just met knew every one of my erogenous zones. He had me on fire. He started to undress me. I then said a silent prayer thanking God that I took off that girdle. I would have been soooooo damn embarrassed if he would have seen that old lady contraption. Back to the story...

After he takes my dress off he must have kissed me from head to toe. I just had to have him. He parted my legs and teased me by biting on my inner thighs. This man was driving me wild. He dove in...(shaking my head) he was eating my pussy like it was the only thing that was keeping him alive. No one has EVER made me feel the way this man did, then or since. He had me on lock. He had somehow gotten me into some submission position because I could not move. He had his arms around my hips and had my hands in a death grip. He was down there for what seemed to me to be FOREVER. I had to get away. I had already had 3 orgasms. I knew that something was wrong. Seriously did this short man just make me cum 3 times? I scooted to the end of the couch, but when I moved he moved. There was no way of escaping this man and his serpent's tongue! Bullshit you not...by the 8th orgasm I was on the verge of tears. I stopped counting at this point. Surly having 8 orgasms isn't even possible?! I was begging him to stop and screaming at the top of my lungs. I have now literally moved my ass to the arm of the couch. I am now doing a head stand with this man still clamped on to my pussy like he has found the meaning of life inside of it. He decided to have mercy on poor Miss Kitty. He tried to eat the lining out! I think that he tried to pull out my ovaries n shit. Naturally the last thing I wanted to do at this point was have sex. All I wanted to do was to go to sleep. He wanted some. OK fine...I give in.

Now comes the disappointment. The man pulls out what he calls his dick. It's little...like a toddler dick. I felt so sorry for him. I get why he was so good at the pussy eating. He had to be able to do something. But who knows maybe he can work that dick like he works his tongue. NOT!?!? He better make it quick was my thoughts. He held up his part of the deal. He was hunching on me like a rabbit. I mean it was the least I could do...right? I was done anyway, spent. He wasn't going to get any more juice out my passion fruit! He wants me to stay...um no, I need to get home was my reply.

On the drive back to my apartment the thought that this man named Mike who I hardly knew just gave me 8 orgasms!! I wanted to call my momma someone had to tell me what was wrong. I call my best friend the moment my eyes cracked. I told her the story she laughed. She told me that yes it does happen just not every day. Like I said I didn't really know a whole lot about sex then. I called her every time something strange happens, and still do.

Dude calls me and says that he just wants to see me. It was late and I was living with my grandmother at the time. There was no way I was letting this pussy eater meet my granny. He said that he didn't have a lot of time but that he was in the neighbor hood and just wanted to see me. OK no problem. He pulls up, I get into the car and he is just driving around the parking lot looking around. I ask him what are you looking for? He said a dark spot because he needed to taste me. I am thinking yeah right? Here in the car? He said yes and that he would make it worth my while. NO PROBLEM...well kinda. I had on a pair of pants that zipped up that back and some calf length boots. I have to take off my pants and my boots. I was totally uncomfortable, for about 2 minutes until he got started. I leaned the car seat back and opened wide. I had to slip one leg behind his back so he could get into position. Again he dove in and made me cum with in minutes and he drove me back to my house. This was my kind of relationship. He stopped by just to eat my pussy...KEEPER! He would page me (I only had a pager then) so that he could meet me somewhere just to eat. This lasted for a couple of months. Then I started seeing someone on a regular basis. I told him that I didn't think we could meet up anymore. The last thing Mike told me was...

"I don't care if you are married, have a boy friend, or what is going on. If you EVER want to be pleased just call me."

~The End~

~Never Get Your Dick Where You Get Your Dime~

Never Get Your Dick Where You Get Your Dime...

That phrase was told to me by Carla Jackson. That was some great advice that I didn't listen to. After reading this you will know why. I worked and still do in a large corporation. It was like a college campus. Everyone was "hooking" up it was like a meat market. The men were the worst that couldn't wait for the newest class to hit the floor. The women I guess were somewhat the same we were just more discreet. When a new class hit the floor it was all eyes on them.

When I seen Jerrod for the first time I was in instant Lust. He was handsome and fine. He could look at me and give me instant butterflies in my stomach. He was about 6' tall, curly hair, and light brown eyes. He wore glasses, the glasses just added to his sexiness. His desk wasn't too far from mine and he had to pass my desk all the time. I was still really shy back then. I had just had sex for the first time a couple of months before. There was no way in hell I was going to make the first move. So this silent flirting between us went on for weeks. I come in one morning and there is a note. He goes on about how cute I am and that he would like to get to know me better. I was thrilled I was walking on clouds. One because he was cute and two because I knew that most of the floozies in the office wanted him. I gave him my number and we talked on the phone. He was so shy so it was kinda hard talking on the phone because I am shy as well. So for the next week or so we exchanged e-mails. Finally after weeks of chit chatting he finally asks me for a date.

I really don't have any recollection of our first date. Our first kiss however I do. He was so sweet. We were at my apartment and we were in my room. He was getting ready to go and was a perfect gentleman. Again he is shy and I am thinking surely he is going to give me a kiss good night. So I asked him if I could have a kiss before he left. He smiled and said yes if I come and get it. I was kinda put in a predicament here. I wanted to kiss him but make the first move is he crazy? I am laughing now at the thought. He just waited patiently giving me that come hither stare that he could do so well. I was sitting on my bed at the time. He was standing in the door way of my bedroom. I motioned for him to walk over to me which he did. I get on my knees on my bed and we kiss. From there it was on and popping. To my surprise he wasn't shy at all. It was the hottest kiss EVER!!! He was kissing me like doing so was keeping him alive. I was loving it. Well it was getting a little to hot so he thought it best that he leave. I walked him to the door and with a peck on the lips he was on his way.

He was without a doubt the most caring boyfriend that have ever had. There wasn't a day that I would come in where there wasn't a note, card, or something to let me know that I was on his mind. I still have them all in a binder somewhere in my house. My favorite were the pennies that he would tape to a post it note. All it would say was a penny for your thoughts. He bought me the biggest balloon bouquet for Valentine's Day. It was filled with a Tickle Me Elmo doll, chocolates, and some Black & Milds. LOL. But all good things must come to an end right? Well they did and fast.

He started to annoy the piss out of me. He started to be so clingy that it was smothering me. I could not take a break with out him trying to figure out who I was talking to. I mean I couldn't hide we were in the same got damn office, on the same got damn floor, and we set with in a few got damn feet of each other. That come hither stare changed. That stare that used to make me get butterflies started to give me dry heaves. He wanted me to spend my every waking moment with him. The last thing that I wanted to do was to talk to him when I got off. I mean you have been in my damn face all day! He would whine if I didn't call him. Ninja Please!?!

I started to find out some things that were really pathetic for any man. He was 27 years old still living with his mamma. His mamma thought that he was probably the most worthless piece of shit in the land. When we would talk on the phone I could hear her yelling at his ass in the background. Those beautiful brown eyes he had were colored contacts. LMAO @ THAT. A man should NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER wear colored contacts...that is so gay!

He and I were on the same softball team. It was also a company sponsored co-ed team. So of course there were a lot of men on the team. This started another on going drama. He accused me of wanting to get with one of the man on the team. Fred was his name and he was the definition of sexy. Fred was also known for beating his women and screwing at least 5 women in the office. I was not interested in sharing. But I couldn't tell him that. JC was a good gay friend of mine. Jerrod could not stand him. He would question me as to why my face wouldn't light up like the way it did when I talked to JC. This dude was trippin! The last thing on JC's mind was me. He was more concerned with his ass! I have always had more male friends then female friends. This was the biggest issue of his. He was constantly accusing me of cheating or wanting to. He was far too attractive to be so insecure.

One night after work Jerrod wanted to go out to dinner. Each place that he suggested I didn't want to go to and vice verse. I just wanted to go home at that point. I was through arguing about dinner. All I wanted to do was to get away from him. We ride to my apartment in silence which was fine by me. The only thing I was thinking on the ride home was to how I was going to break up with him. When he gets home he calls me crying. When I tell you that he was crying he was CRYING. I am talking about the can't catch your breath kind of crying. The I just got my ass beat by my mamma with an extension cord crying. I am thinking ninja are you for real? He was talking bout baby I am so sorry for making you upset with me can you ever forgive me. All of that type of shit. All over dinner my ninja? OK that is it he has got to go!!

He was taking this whole relationship of ours way to fast for me. I mean he was only the second man that I had been with at the time. This dude was naming our children and everything. Our daughter would be named Autumn Rain. I am past being done with him now. The crying and accusations were way to much for me. I called him on the phone and broke the news to him. I told him that he was moving too fast for me and I couldn't take it any more. This sweet gentle man snapped. He called me all kind of bitches and hoes and told me that now I could be with Fred...LOL By that point my friend had been with him so his ass was off limits any way. Over the next few weeks he would still call me begging and pleading with me to give him another chance. I decided to give it a go since I heard that the best sex was make up sex. He tried to break my back that night. Make-up sex is wonderful!!

We were supposed to go to the movies the day after we hooked up the night before. Well he calls me and tells me some bullshit story that I don't remember. I had a friend come in town and I wanted to hang out with her anyway. The guys from work decide to throw a BBQ. They were always so much fun and they would all be fighting over my home girl, which they did. So we are having a good time playing dominoes when Jerrod pulls up. He pulls up with the biggest whore in the office. Now he didn't know that I was going to be there. I didn't know that he was going to either. The look on his face was priceless. I could not have been happier. It was officially done. I didn't have to say a word. When he looked at me with that pitiful look on his face all I could do was laugh. Oddly enough they didn't stay long. I damn sure wasn't leaving. It was dick o' plenty, and I was single.

Now you would think that after all of this his stupid ass would have left me alone right? HELL NO. It only got worse. This bastard was calling me even more. Now him and the office floozy are officially an item now. Good riddance I thought. I couldn't wait to talk to her about him once they were done too. This mah fukka started to stalk me. REAL LIFE STALKER SHIT. I would see him driving through my parking lot in the middle of the night. One night I seen him squatting next to his car trying to hide. OK that's it!! I haven't been able to get through his thick ass skull that I am done with him. Now what I am about to say may not but right, but it's true. I go to the floozy. I told her that I needed to talk to her. LOL She looked so nervous. I told her that I was not sure what kind of relationship her and Jerrod were in but that I couldn't care less. I told her that I seen him last night in my parking lot. She asked me where I lived and I told her. She told me that he called her and needed to be picked up because he had locked his keys in his car. He must have gotten out of his car to actually look through my windows because his stupid ass locked his keys in his car!? She looked pissed when she figured out it was my apartment complex. I didn't give a shit. Maybe she would be able to talk some sense into him. I was done. Again this dude calls me all kind of bitches and hoes. Next thing I knew this ninja has moved in. He moved into the same apartment complex just across the parking lot from me. He only lives there for about a month before he gets put out or moves. He quit shortly there after too.

OH wait there is more. He knocks up the office floozy. Her and her 16 year old daughter were both pregnant at the same time. Like he did with me he started seeing another girl in the office before he broke up with the floozy. So the floozy is walking around the office pregnant and he is on to another. The new girl was homely never combed her hair, and dressed like a slob. I guess he would be sure to get a female this time that no one else wanted but him. The Floozy had the baby and named her Autumn Rain...better her then me!

I still work with the floozy. She is married now and Autumn is a beautiful little girl. Her daddy is a worthless piece of shit. Every time the floozy finds out where he works he quits to avoid paying child support. That is why he quit the job working with us. Sad

...The end

Tom Boys

This subject has been bugging the shit out of me for quite some time now. I am a tom boy in every sense of the word. My best friends are men. My favorite season of the year is football season. I love to go camping and fishing. By camping I'm not talking about renting a cabin I am talking about pitching a tent and ruffin it. I hang out in a barber shop and play dominoes. Remember Checker Fred from the movie Barbershop? Well I am his niece Domino Chelle. Nice to meet cha. I have said all that to say this. Even though I am a tom boy that doesn't mean that I want to eat, bump, lick or even see another pussy that I wasn't born with. I am strictly dickly. I meet so many men that assume because I am not into all of the girly stuff like going shopping and shit that I have to be a clam licker. Well that is just wrong. I'm a daddy's girl and growing up went to fight parties, Laker and Raider games. I am not a female that hates other women. I don't like them much. I just don't have a lot in common with them. I don' t have any sisters just two hard headed brothers. While they are talking about Dr. Phil and Oprah episodes I would rather be talking sport stats, or my fantasy football teams. I get put into the sister or home girl role and that is getting old. I won't interrupt you watching the game by asking questions...because I too am deaf until half time or commercials. So fellas don't over look us you have no idea what you are missing.

How Mzwoodhunter Got Her Groove Back Part II

Continued…

After we eat lunch we decided to go and lay out on the beach. Or Kim decided that she wanted to lie out. It was kind of warm that day so I thought that I would enjoy the water. Our resort looked just like the pictures. Beautiful white sand beaches, the water was so clear that you could see the beach floor. I was walking along the beach, and snapping pictures. It felt so good to feel the sand squishing in between my toes. I see this big rock on the ocean floor. I go to step over the rock. Then the rock takes off!! The rock swims right under my foot! It was a big ass stingray and not a rock. If you could have seen me at that moment!! Jesus himself would have been impressed. I WAS LITERALLY WALKING ON WATER!! BABY!?! I could not get my black ass out of that water fast enough. It was a blessing that the sting ray didn’t sting me. I could have ended up like the crocodile hunter, dead. Needless to say that was the last time during that trip that I got in the water at the beach. I didn’t even get close enough to put my big toe in to “feel” it. I ended up getting my camera wet, so now it’s ruined, and I am pissed. We took some really good pictures on that camera. Oh well such is life.

I run over and tell Kim what happened. I tell her that I almost died. She is laughing because now we have both almost died so we are even. We have both almost been killed in a foreign land. Her murder would be by the hands of a Rasta, and mine by a sting ray. This trip has got to get better right? Well it does.

By now I have had enough of the beach so we decide to go back up to the room. On our way back to the hotel we notice a party boat. They are blasting some sort of Reggae music. We are a little nosey and want a closer look. So we walk a little closer and see that these people are having a great time. People are drinking, dancing, and laughing. A couple of the men working on the boat and invite us onboard. They want us to hang around while the people on the cruise are starting to leave. Well by now I am getting use to the usual questions. But this one guy is cute. He actually looks like Tae Diggs. I have no idea what his name was for the life of me I cannot remember. He brings with him a little friend who turns out to be his cousin. I guess because I am short I end up with him. I wanted the bigger one dammit! Oh well I end up with this little man they call Virgin. Who is also sexy, but short. When I say short Virgin was probably an inch taller then me, and that’s not saying much. I like something that I can climb on. I have no idea what his name is either. That is what everyone called him. They said that because of his baby face and the fact that he had never left Jamaica. SO be it, Virgin it is. We are making small talk they jokingly start calling my friend Stella. Stella is tall and has pretty chocolate skin, and long braids. That would be her name for the rest of the trip. We continue to make small talk and tell them which resort we are staying at and make plans to get together that night.

You can blame the weed for the rest of this story. Everything is pretty much a blur from her on out. I remember going to the club but that’s about it. We were to meet Virgin and Tae there. I remember thinking that the broads in there acted like the usual hoochies in the club. I guess Ludacris was right. They do have hoes in different area codes. We must have had a good time with Tae and Virgin because we make plans on meeting them the next day. Stella and Tae are having a great time they are laughing and talking. Not Virgin and me he is real quite and would just smile. I have never been too good with small talk. They take us back to the hotel. Their car was a piece of shit but we made it back to the hotel in one piece. Stella and Tae are playing kissy face while I am standing outside of the car wanting something to eat. Virgin isn’t talking all he would do is smile.

When we get inside there are the usual paparazzi lurking around. I sign a few autographs…just kidding. I am somewhat an asshole and was a little irritable because I am sure that I was drunk and had the munchies…again thanks to that damn Rasta. I really don’t want to be bother with these roaches. That is what they were to me now. All of these dudes were trying to use me for a green card. It took me a minute back then to catch on. So on our way into the hotel Stella stops and is actually talking to one of these roaches and invites him to eat with us. This dude is so fucking fake! I was fading in and out of his conversation. He was going on about knowing kingpins in New York. Stella was a bit of a hood rat so she is looking like she is in awe of this dude. After we finish eating I am so done. I am done listening to this dude and his name dropping. Seriously what good is name dropping if the people you are talking to have no fucking idea as to who you are speaking of? UUGH!! I call it a night and tell Stella that’s it for me I am out. She and this dude are tying to convince me to go to a club with them. I am getting really bad vibes from whomever the fuck this is. I tell her that I would pray for her and hopes that she makes it back. Back to my room I go with what must have been my 30th dirty banana. I lived off of those things while I was there. I had them for every meal and those times in between the weed too. When in Jamaica, do as the Jamaicans do right?

I wake up to find Stella in her bed sound asleep. Glad to know that she made it. I don’t remember what she told me happened when she went out with that dude. Must not have been much. We are supposed to meet Virgin and Tae this morning before they had to start their booze cruises for the day. We get dressed bathing suits and shorts, and head down stairs. The boys are waiting for us in the lobby, and off we go. So again we are in this little piece of shit car. It was great that we didn’t have to pay for a taxi or any of the expensive excursions that the resorts try to sell you. It was awesome that we have our very own tour guides. They could have told us were we were going but again I don’t remember then and I sure as hell don’t remember 8 years later. Tae could have told Stella. I don’t remember Virgin saying shit. Maybe he was mute and I forgot. We are driving up this mountain in the PIECE OF SHIT! I am in seriously doubt at this moment that we will ever make it up this mountain. I mean their little car was having a hell of a time. We finally put put up to the top of the hill. We get out of the car and Tae says hold on I need to get something out of the trunk. WHAT? The trunk? I am from the south. If you hear someone mentioning that they have to get something out of the trunk you listen and LOOK. I am looking at Stella like did you hear what he just said? She is giddy and completely oblivious to the fact that for one we really don’t know these guys. After that guy from last night that I was sure going to kidnap her and put her into some form of slavery I am looking at everyone different. I could have just been that got damn Rasta weed again. OK I need to calm down right? HELL NO!?!?! So guess what Tae gets out of the trunk? Take your time…I’ll wait.





Tae pulls from the trunk a big rusty ass MACHETE with out a handle wrapped with some duct tape. A got damn Machete and a blanket is what this guy pulls from the trunk! OK there isn’t enough weed in Jamaica to calm my nerves from this. I mean come on we don’t know these dudes. HELLO? Not even their real names. Is he going to hack us into little pieces and wrap us up in that blanket? I asked Stella in a whisper.

“Do you see with that Tae just pulled out of his trunk??”
“Yeah, so”. With a shrug.

Yeah? Yeah? This simple silly bitch says yeah. Like this is an every day event. To be with some guys we don’t really know who just happen to have a got damn machete. I could have done the river dance on her pinkie toe. So I am thinking to myself what in the hell do I do now? We are on top of a mountain and there is absolutely no one insight. When I say no one that is exactly what I mean. There is no one in sight, and no one within ear shot. I don’t know what to do. That is when Tae asks us to follow him. All I see is weeds. I am bringing up the rear. My thinking is this. Tae is leading the way, Stella is behind him, Virgin is behind her and I am last. I could tackle Virgin, break and run and pray that Stella can find her way out of this. Tae leads us to what looks like a forest of weeds. He uses the machete to cut us a path through this thick brush. Oh so that what the machete is for. Or so he would have me to believe. I still have my good eye on him. The path that he cut with the machete was a good 100 feet. When we actually get to where he was taking us. OH MY GOD! It was absolutely gorgeous. It turns out that we were at the Dunn’s River Fall. Most of the people who visit Jamaica will pay for this trip. It is to date the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. At this point I was calm and relaxed and just taking in this amazing scenery. It was calm and there were birds chirping. The river was running right through this forest of weeds. I felt honored to be here. You could tell by the high weeds that this wasn’t a place that is seen much by human eyes. There were no tourist trash here, no crowds, and no crying ass kids. It was just us, and it was amazing in more ways then one.

We parted ways here. Stella and Tae went one way and Virgin and I went another. They took the blanket so I figure that they were going to be getting busy somewhere. Stella is such a floozy. I honestly don’t remember having any conversation with Virgin. I am sure he could speak. I just don’t remember what he said he would just smile. Not one word…kinda sad too. O well. Virgin and I are walking hand in hand and I am really taking in the serenity of this place. We are walking on the rocks in the river and the water is rushing against the rocks pretty hard. He was careful and made sure I didn’t slip. We walk for a ways and we come to this perfect little spot. Now it seems evident to me that Virgin must have been here before. We come to this set of rocks that form a perfect seat in the river. The angels must have hidden this place. He sits down and sits me in his lap. The water is flowing towards us is hitting his back and flowing into my lap. Now there isn’t much that I remember of him other then the fact that he was little was only in stature. This little man was packing! Here we are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden when we begin to kiss. His kisses are so gentle and sweet. I have no idea why they call this man Virgin. Trust and believe his is not. Not in any shape or form a virgin. I still don’t know how this man was able to get me out of my shorts and bathing suit in what seemed like in seconds. This seat in the river must have been sculpted with Cupid’s own hand. I am sitting in his lap and the water and Virgin are rushing between my legs at the same time. It was heavenly. He is lifting me up and down and up and down with what seemed like little to no effort. I guess the saying is true still water do run deep. I should have known that there was something behind those smiles. Virgin my BLACK ASS!
To Be Continued…

How Mzwoodhunter Got Her Groove Back Part I

Once upon a time in a far away land there was this girl. She was young and completely naive in most ways of the world. Nah just kidding the girl is me and this is one of my favorite whore stories. A group of girls decided to take a trip to Jamaica. This was shortly after the movie "How Stella Got Her Grove Back" came out. There were about 13 of us who were going to take the trip. I was so excited because this will be the first time that I would be traveling outside of the U S of A. So we all have a meeting about the costs and what not. I mean 13 women on one trip? Not just regular women mind you, I am talking about 13 black women. So we have the meeting and everyone is excited and talking about this and that. Everything seemed so well planned. We were told how much it would cost deposits and stuff. Well I am all in. At the time we all were. Well as you can guess not all of the women made the trip. By not all the women I mean there were only 2 of us who actually made the trip. That was fine by me I hate most women.

JAMAICA HERE I COME! when we land at the airport I have instant butterflies in my tummy. We get our bags and what not. Them BAM!! It was like me and my friend were like one of those care packages that you drop off to those 3rd world countries. These men working at the airport were ridiculous. They were all asking the same questions. "What's your hotel and room number". After the 5th or 6th dude asks I finally wise up and quit giving out that information. It so funny thinking about that now and how much I have changed.

We are not outside of the airport and I feel like a movie star and we are trying to escape the paparazzi. So when we get outside I am approach by a local who is like. "Aye my sista? Do you want some chi chi or may be cha cha"? I am not really sure what he said but it was something like that and I didn't know what he was talking about. He must have gotten that because then he says "Put this in your bag". Well my dumb ass does as he says and I open my purse and take what he has just handed me. He gives me a red bandanna. I put it in my purse and I am looking at him with a like What the fuck is this look on my face. Then the man says "$50.00". "For what?" He's like for the Chi Chi. Now I am catching on, but still not knowing what the hell I jut put in my bag. So I ask the man what in the hell is Chi Chi? That is when he tells me it's weed. I think that I had an instant panic attack. I have a bag of weed in my purse!?!?! A bag of weed in my purse at the damn airport. Now I ask this man are you serious here take this back. I take the red banana outta my purse and give it back to the man. Now I am speed walking away from him. He is right behind me. I tell the man that I am not buying any weed from $50.00. So now he is trying to bargain with me. I tell him I don't want it and would try and get some later. Now up until this point I have never bought any weed. I was an opportunistic smoker...got weed? I am gonna smoke. $50.00 seemed like a lot so any way I tell the man no. I thought then that all weed sacks were $25.00. I told him that was all I was going to give him, but I am not buying weed at the airport. He is telling no worries and and everyting is arie. Hell no mister I am not buying weed at the airport.

We all load onto this bus. This is when we find out that it's an hour to our resort. We landed in Montego Bay, but the resort was in Ochos Rios. On our way we go. This is the scariest hour of my life. The highway is only 2 lanes and as far as I am concerned we are on the wrong side of the got damn street!! This highway is only about as wide as one regular lane here in the US. Not only is the lane super narrow there are people riding bikes n shit along this highway. There are the people riding bikes, shepards walking their goats n shit and we are doing 90 to nothing going the wrong way on this little ass highway. Panic attack number 2. I am getting sick just watching this bus driver almost kill the chickens, men, women and children who are also walking along the street. I don't think you are getting in it's so narrow that when there are other cars and buses coming from the opposite direction the bus moves over on to the shoulder literally scraping trees n shit. It's seem hilarious now. But there wasn't shit funny when we were making that trip. So we are now about 30 minutes from the resort so the bus stops at this lil hut store so that we could use the bathroom and get drinks and snacks. So as soon as my foot hit solid grown I am so happy to get out of that death mobile. Then POOF!! Out of nowhere here is the local man from the airport. The same weed peddler? I'm kidding right? NO...It's him!! This man had somehow avoided being crushed by this bus, and beat us to the spot. When I see this man I was like you have got to be shitting me. When he sees me he makes a b line right up to me. He is still trying to haggle me 45, 40, 35? Once he figured I wasn't going to budge he sells me the so called $50.00 bag o' weed for $25.00. It was the least I could do since he made a 30 minute drive. I still laugh about that shit to this day. Back to the bus where my life was previously flashing by. I wish I could have rolled something to calm my nerves for this dreadful now 30 minute trip. When we get into the city we are driving slower and I am able to take in the beautiful scenery. OH hell no! The people live in horrible conditions it's like a 3rd world county. They are run down shacks everywhere. I seriously doubt that most of these people had any running water. Goats and chickens line the streets everywhere.

Finally we are at the hotel and we made it in one piece! The hotel is beautiful. We stayed at the Renaissance Grand Hotel. An all inclusive resort. First point of business it to get high. I am in Jamaica. I will just be dammed!! I don't have any got damn papers. I heard that you could use the bible papers but I didn't want to get instant cancer so what is the next best thing in my Mcguyver mind...Phonebook paper! I am shaking my head right now. I get the chi chi and it is so sticky and wet that when I was breaking it up I had resin sticking to all of my fingers. I roll what looked like a fake ass blunt you might see on TV it was H U G E. ( lol) I am not a professional smoker at this point. I think smoking a blunt rolled in phonebook paper put me mighty close. I start smoking and it was damn near impossible because local weed guy must have just plucked these buds off of his tree it was still to wet. I couldn't wait for it to dry. Anyhoo...So I am smoking and smoke is billowing out of me and this blunt like a chimney Damn the local Rasta with this wet ass weed. My home girl decides that she wants to smoke as well. She is like I haven't smoked since college. She is older then my by like 10 years older then me. I tell her bitch we are in Jamaica do like the Jamaicans do! Right? Wrong OH so wrong. So she takes a few puffs and then all hell breaks loose. This bitch is smoking then she starts to laugh the laughing at nothing type of laughing. I am laughing too because I know we ain't laughing at shit...that was sooooooo damn funny. Weed smokers get this. Then the next phase was the choking, from the choking. She was coughing and convulsing on the bed. From that came crying and chocking at the same time. Now keep in mind that I am high too. We are in a foreign country and I wasn't sure then or now but I don't think that they had 911! All I knew was that I damn sure couldn't call to report that this silly ass hoe was having a weed overdose. From some weed we were smoking that we got at a rest stop!?! I am telling this girl to calm the fuck down yelling at her that I can't call 911. So she finally calms down and I tell her that this is the end of her weed smoking. With me anyway. She fucked up my high. The rest of the trip I smoked by myself on the balcony. Now its munchie time.

This hotel has like 8 restaurants and a 24 hour buffet. When we open the door we must have been followed by a cloud of smoke like Cheech n Chong were in there with us. I was looking at the way people were looking at us. I cracked up at this old lady who looked at us and just smiled and shook her head. Hello Lady we are in Jamaica. I still had the damn giggles. When we get down stairs we are now being harassed by the wait staff and the bell hop paparazzi. They are asking what are now the usual questions are you married? and what is your room number? We eat and go back to the room and go to sleep. But we don't sleep long. The is when all of the airport paparazzi must have got home, because now our phone is ringing. We are getting all kinds of calls from who the hell knows. Just the random roaches from the hotel and airport. I tell my friend listen I am not answering any more calls tonight. I take the phone off of the hook. Finally I sleep.

I wake up early the next morning. My friend doesn't want to get up. I shit shower and shave and leave the room. I am just walking not sure where I am going but I wanted to get out of the room. So I wander out of the resort and onto another beach. I was in shock to see a couple of cops getting high under a tree with what looked like a homeless man. I have a picture of him somewhere. Not the cops though.

I meet up with my friend later that day and we go and get something to eat. I lived off of dirty bananas morning, noon and night while I was there. Hell it's all inclusive. It was some kind of rum concoction with bananas, which I hate. Take some bananas add a little ice and milk...Viola!! It's breakfast.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Sheeeeeee's Baaaa-aaaaack!!

So she isn't here yet but you can bet your bottom dollar that her ass is on her way.

And by she I mean "that lady".

And by "that lady" I mean that b*tch.

Sure I know her ass is coming she visits every d*mn month. Well unless I am really stressed out, but then she makes up for it on her next visit. She usually gets here at the worse time. I mean she wants to visit when I am going on vacation. Or worse the whore even has the nerve to show up out of the blue without any notice. That Lady will never give me a time when she will arrive. She comes in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day. She has ruined quite a few clothes over the years and she has yet to give me a dime to replace them. She puts me in a bad mood. Usually my attitude starts to get bad a day or two before she is to arrive. Then it gets worse when she shows up. I get moody or extra special sensitive and for the people that know me that is sooo out of character or me. That is my first clue that her ass is coming. I have to warn my friends and family about her upcoming arrival.
So since most of you are forewarned...you better "be afraid...be very very afraid.
So since you are warned I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have found something to ease the symptoms a bit...
Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Explosion
Mmm Mmm Good
Her visits vary from person to person.
Her trifling ass must like me better then most even though I dispise her ass.
I have heard some say the she only stays with them for just 3 days.
When she gets here I know that she will be here for at least 5 days.
On the 5th day on many occasions she likes to just hang around like we are cool.
But OH NO NO...HOE your ass has got to go.
Vinegar & Water makes her ass melt away like the witch on the Wizard of OZ.
On that 5th day when I get home she is leaving.
((((((((((P E R I O D))))))))))