Once upon a time in a far away land there was this girl. She was young and completely naive in most ways of the world. Nah just kidding the girl is me and this is one of my favorite whore stories. A group of girls decided to take a trip to Jamaica. This was shortly after the movie "How Stella Got Her Grove Back" came out. There were about 13 of us who were going to take the trip. I was so excited because this will be the first time that I would be traveling outside of the U S of A. So we all have a meeting about the costs and what not. I mean 13 women on one trip? Not just regular women mind you, I am talking about 13 black women. So we have the meeting and everyone is excited and talking about this and that. Everything seemed so well planned. We were told how much it would cost deposits and stuff. Well I am all in. At the time we all were. Well as you can guess not all of the women made the trip. By not all the women I mean there were only 2 of us who actually made the trip. That was fine by me I hate most women.
JAMAICA HERE I COME! when we land at the airport I have instant butterflies in my tummy. We get our bags and what not. Them BAM!! It was like me and my friend were like one of those care packages that you drop off to those 3rd world countries. These men working at the airport were ridiculous. They were all asking the same questions. "What's your hotel and room number". After the 5th or 6th dude asks I finally wise up and quit giving out that information. It so funny thinking about that now and how much I have changed.
We are not outside of the airport and I feel like a movie star and we are trying to escape the paparazzi. So when we get outside I am approach by a local who is like. "Aye my sista? Do you want some chi chi or may be cha cha"? I am not really sure what he said but it was something like that and I didn't know what he was talking about. He must have gotten that because then he says "Put this in your bag". Well my dumb ass does as he says and I open my purse and take what he has just handed me. He gives me a red bandanna. I put it in my purse and I am looking at him with a like What the fuck is this look on my face. Then the man says "$50.00". "For what?" He's like for the Chi Chi. Now I am catching on, but still not knowing what the hell I jut put in my bag. So I ask the man what in the hell is Chi Chi? That is when he tells me it's weed. I think that I had an instant panic attack. I have a bag of weed in my purse!?!?! A bag of weed in my purse at the damn airport. Now I ask this man are you serious here take this back. I take the red banana outta my purse and give it back to the man. Now I am speed walking away from him. He is right behind me. I tell the man that I am not buying any weed from $50.00. So now he is trying to bargain with me. I tell him I don't want it and would try and get some later. Now up until this point I have never bought any weed. I was an opportunistic smoker...got weed? I am gonna smoke. $50.00 seemed like a lot so any way I tell the man no. I thought then that all weed sacks were $25.00. I told him that was all I was going to give him, but I am not buying weed at the airport. He is telling no worries and and everyting is arie. Hell no mister I am not buying weed at the airport.
We all load onto this bus. This is when we find out that it's an hour to our resort. We landed in Montego Bay, but the resort was in Ochos Rios. On our way we go. This is the scariest hour of my life. The highway is only 2 lanes and as far as I am concerned we are on the wrong side of the got damn street!! This highway is only about as wide as one regular lane here in the US. Not only is the lane super narrow there are people riding bikes n shit along this highway. There are the people riding bikes, shepards walking their goats n shit and we are doing 90 to nothing going the wrong way on this little ass highway. Panic attack number 2. I am getting sick just watching this bus driver almost kill the chickens, men, women and children who are also walking along the street. I don't think you are getting in it's so narrow that when there are other cars and buses coming from the opposite direction the bus moves over on to the shoulder literally scraping trees n shit. It's seem hilarious now. But there wasn't shit funny when we were making that trip. So we are now about 30 minutes from the resort so the bus stops at this lil hut store so that we could use the bathroom and get drinks and snacks. So as soon as my foot hit solid grown I am so happy to get out of that death mobile. Then POOF!! Out of nowhere here is the local man from the airport. The same weed peddler? I'm kidding right? NO...It's him!! This man had somehow avoided being crushed by this bus, and beat us to the spot. When I see this man I was like you have got to be shitting me. When he sees me he makes a b line right up to me. He is still trying to haggle me 45, 40, 35? Once he figured I wasn't going to budge he sells me the so called $50.00 bag o' weed for $25.00. It was the least I could do since he made a 30 minute drive. I still laugh about that shit to this day. Back to the bus where my life was previously flashing by. I wish I could have rolled something to calm my nerves for this dreadful now 30 minute trip. When we get into the city we are driving slower and I am able to take in the beautiful scenery. OH hell no! The people live in horrible conditions it's like a 3rd world county. They are run down shacks everywhere. I seriously doubt that most of these people had any running water. Goats and chickens line the streets everywhere.
Finally we are at the hotel and we made it in one piece! The hotel is beautiful. We stayed at the Renaissance Grand Hotel. An all inclusive resort. First point of business it to get high. I am in Jamaica. I will just be dammed!! I don't have any got damn papers. I heard that you could use the bible papers but I didn't want to get instant cancer so what is the next best thing in my Mcguyver mind...Phonebook paper! I am shaking my head right now. I get the chi chi and it is so sticky and wet that when I was breaking it up I had resin sticking to all of my fingers. I roll what looked like a fake ass blunt you might see on TV it was H U G E. ( lol) I am not a professional smoker at this point. I think smoking a blunt rolled in phonebook paper put me mighty close. I start smoking and it was damn near impossible because local weed guy must have just plucked these buds off of his tree it was still to wet. I couldn't wait for it to dry. Anyhoo...So I am smoking and smoke is billowing out of me and this blunt like a chimney Damn the local Rasta with this wet ass weed. My home girl decides that she wants to smoke as well. She is like I haven't smoked since college. She is older then my by like 10 years older then me. I tell her bitch we are in Jamaica do like the Jamaicans do! Right? Wrong OH so wrong. So she takes a few puffs and then all hell breaks loose. This bitch is smoking then she starts to laugh the laughing at nothing type of laughing. I am laughing too because I know we ain't laughing at shit...that was sooooooo damn funny. Weed smokers get this. Then the next phase was the choking, from the choking. She was coughing and convulsing on the bed. From that came crying and chocking at the same time. Now keep in mind that I am high too. We are in a foreign country and I wasn't sure then or now but I don't think that they had 911! All I knew was that I damn sure couldn't call to report that this silly ass hoe was having a weed overdose. From some weed we were smoking that we got at a rest stop!?! I am telling this girl to calm the fuck down yelling at her that I can't call 911. So she finally calms down and I tell her that this is the end of her weed smoking. With me anyway. She fucked up my high. The rest of the trip I smoked by myself on the balcony. Now its munchie time.
This hotel has like 8 restaurants and a 24 hour buffet. When we open the door we must have been followed by a cloud of smoke like Cheech n Chong were in there with us. I was looking at the way people were looking at us. I cracked up at this old lady who looked at us and just smiled and shook her head. Hello Lady we are in Jamaica. I still had the damn giggles. When we get down stairs we are now being harassed by the wait staff and the bell hop paparazzi. They are asking what are now the usual questions are you married? and what is your room number? We eat and go back to the room and go to sleep. But we don't sleep long. The is when all of the airport paparazzi must have got home, because now our phone is ringing. We are getting all kinds of calls from who the hell knows. Just the random roaches from the hotel and airport. I tell my friend listen I am not answering any more calls tonight. I take the phone off of the hook. Finally I sleep.
I wake up early the next morning. My friend doesn't want to get up. I shit shower and shave and leave the room. I am just walking not sure where I am going but I wanted to get out of the room. So I wander out of the resort and onto another beach. I was in shock to see a couple of cops getting high under a tree with what looked like a homeless man. I have a picture of him somewhere. Not the cops though.
I meet up with my friend later that day and we go and get something to eat. I lived off of dirty bananas morning, noon and night while I was there. Hell it's all inclusive. It was some kind of rum concoction with bananas, which I hate. Take some bananas add a little ice and milk...Viola!! It's breakfast.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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