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Monday, October 29, 2007

~Never Get Your Dick Where You Get Your Dime~

Never Get Your Dick Where You Get Your Dime...

That phrase was told to me by Carla Jackson. That was some great advice that I didn't listen to. After reading this you will know why. I worked and still do in a large corporation. It was like a college campus. Everyone was "hooking" up it was like a meat market. The men were the worst that couldn't wait for the newest class to hit the floor. The women I guess were somewhat the same we were just more discreet. When a new class hit the floor it was all eyes on them.

When I seen Jerrod for the first time I was in instant Lust. He was handsome and fine. He could look at me and give me instant butterflies in my stomach. He was about 6' tall, curly hair, and light brown eyes. He wore glasses, the glasses just added to his sexiness. His desk wasn't too far from mine and he had to pass my desk all the time. I was still really shy back then. I had just had sex for the first time a couple of months before. There was no way in hell I was going to make the first move. So this silent flirting between us went on for weeks. I come in one morning and there is a note. He goes on about how cute I am and that he would like to get to know me better. I was thrilled I was walking on clouds. One because he was cute and two because I knew that most of the floozies in the office wanted him. I gave him my number and we talked on the phone. He was so shy so it was kinda hard talking on the phone because I am shy as well. So for the next week or so we exchanged e-mails. Finally after weeks of chit chatting he finally asks me for a date.

I really don't have any recollection of our first date. Our first kiss however I do. He was so sweet. We were at my apartment and we were in my room. He was getting ready to go and was a perfect gentleman. Again he is shy and I am thinking surely he is going to give me a kiss good night. So I asked him if I could have a kiss before he left. He smiled and said yes if I come and get it. I was kinda put in a predicament here. I wanted to kiss him but make the first move is he crazy? I am laughing now at the thought. He just waited patiently giving me that come hither stare that he could do so well. I was sitting on my bed at the time. He was standing in the door way of my bedroom. I motioned for him to walk over to me which he did. I get on my knees on my bed and we kiss. From there it was on and popping. To my surprise he wasn't shy at all. It was the hottest kiss EVER!!! He was kissing me like doing so was keeping him alive. I was loving it. Well it was getting a little to hot so he thought it best that he leave. I walked him to the door and with a peck on the lips he was on his way.

He was without a doubt the most caring boyfriend that have ever had. There wasn't a day that I would come in where there wasn't a note, card, or something to let me know that I was on his mind. I still have them all in a binder somewhere in my house. My favorite were the pennies that he would tape to a post it note. All it would say was a penny for your thoughts. He bought me the biggest balloon bouquet for Valentine's Day. It was filled with a Tickle Me Elmo doll, chocolates, and some Black & Milds. LOL. But all good things must come to an end right? Well they did and fast.

He started to annoy the piss out of me. He started to be so clingy that it was smothering me. I could not take a break with out him trying to figure out who I was talking to. I mean I couldn't hide we were in the same got damn office, on the same got damn floor, and we set with in a few got damn feet of each other. That come hither stare changed. That stare that used to make me get butterflies started to give me dry heaves. He wanted me to spend my every waking moment with him. The last thing that I wanted to do was to talk to him when I got off. I mean you have been in my damn face all day! He would whine if I didn't call him. Ninja Please!?!

I started to find out some things that were really pathetic for any man. He was 27 years old still living with his mamma. His mamma thought that he was probably the most worthless piece of shit in the land. When we would talk on the phone I could hear her yelling at his ass in the background. Those beautiful brown eyes he had were colored contacts. LMAO @ THAT. A man should NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER wear colored contacts...that is so gay!

He and I were on the same softball team. It was also a company sponsored co-ed team. So of course there were a lot of men on the team. This started another on going drama. He accused me of wanting to get with one of the man on the team. Fred was his name and he was the definition of sexy. Fred was also known for beating his women and screwing at least 5 women in the office. I was not interested in sharing. But I couldn't tell him that. JC was a good gay friend of mine. Jerrod could not stand him. He would question me as to why my face wouldn't light up like the way it did when I talked to JC. This dude was trippin! The last thing on JC's mind was me. He was more concerned with his ass! I have always had more male friends then female friends. This was the biggest issue of his. He was constantly accusing me of cheating or wanting to. He was far too attractive to be so insecure.

One night after work Jerrod wanted to go out to dinner. Each place that he suggested I didn't want to go to and vice verse. I just wanted to go home at that point. I was through arguing about dinner. All I wanted to do was to get away from him. We ride to my apartment in silence which was fine by me. The only thing I was thinking on the ride home was to how I was going to break up with him. When he gets home he calls me crying. When I tell you that he was crying he was CRYING. I am talking about the can't catch your breath kind of crying. The I just got my ass beat by my mamma with an extension cord crying. I am thinking ninja are you for real? He was talking bout baby I am so sorry for making you upset with me can you ever forgive me. All of that type of shit. All over dinner my ninja? OK that is it he has got to go!!

He was taking this whole relationship of ours way to fast for me. I mean he was only the second man that I had been with at the time. This dude was naming our children and everything. Our daughter would be named Autumn Rain. I am past being done with him now. The crying and accusations were way to much for me. I called him on the phone and broke the news to him. I told him that he was moving too fast for me and I couldn't take it any more. This sweet gentle man snapped. He called me all kind of bitches and hoes and told me that now I could be with Fred...LOL By that point my friend had been with him so his ass was off limits any way. Over the next few weeks he would still call me begging and pleading with me to give him another chance. I decided to give it a go since I heard that the best sex was make up sex. He tried to break my back that night. Make-up sex is wonderful!!

We were supposed to go to the movies the day after we hooked up the night before. Well he calls me and tells me some bullshit story that I don't remember. I had a friend come in town and I wanted to hang out with her anyway. The guys from work decide to throw a BBQ. They were always so much fun and they would all be fighting over my home girl, which they did. So we are having a good time playing dominoes when Jerrod pulls up. He pulls up with the biggest whore in the office. Now he didn't know that I was going to be there. I didn't know that he was going to either. The look on his face was priceless. I could not have been happier. It was officially done. I didn't have to say a word. When he looked at me with that pitiful look on his face all I could do was laugh. Oddly enough they didn't stay long. I damn sure wasn't leaving. It was dick o' plenty, and I was single.

Now you would think that after all of this his stupid ass would have left me alone right? HELL NO. It only got worse. This bastard was calling me even more. Now him and the office floozy are officially an item now. Good riddance I thought. I couldn't wait to talk to her about him once they were done too. This mah fukka started to stalk me. REAL LIFE STALKER SHIT. I would see him driving through my parking lot in the middle of the night. One night I seen him squatting next to his car trying to hide. OK that's it!! I haven't been able to get through his thick ass skull that I am done with him. Now what I am about to say may not but right, but it's true. I go to the floozy. I told her that I needed to talk to her. LOL She looked so nervous. I told her that I was not sure what kind of relationship her and Jerrod were in but that I couldn't care less. I told her that I seen him last night in my parking lot. She asked me where I lived and I told her. She told me that he called her and needed to be picked up because he had locked his keys in his car. He must have gotten out of his car to actually look through my windows because his stupid ass locked his keys in his car!? She looked pissed when she figured out it was my apartment complex. I didn't give a shit. Maybe she would be able to talk some sense into him. I was done. Again this dude calls me all kind of bitches and hoes. Next thing I knew this ninja has moved in. He moved into the same apartment complex just across the parking lot from me. He only lives there for about a month before he gets put out or moves. He quit shortly there after too.

OH wait there is more. He knocks up the office floozy. Her and her 16 year old daughter were both pregnant at the same time. Like he did with me he started seeing another girl in the office before he broke up with the floozy. So the floozy is walking around the office pregnant and he is on to another. The new girl was homely never combed her hair, and dressed like a slob. I guess he would be sure to get a female this time that no one else wanted but him. The Floozy had the baby and named her Autumn Rain...better her then me!

I still work with the floozy. She is married now and Autumn is a beautiful little girl. Her daddy is a worthless piece of shit. Every time the floozy finds out where he works he quits to avoid paying child support. That is why he quit the job working with us. Sad

...The end

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tom Boys


This subject has been bugging the shit out of me for quite some time now. I am a tom boy in every sense of the word. My best friends are men. My favorite season of the year is football season. I love to go camping and fishing. By camping I'm not talking about renting a cabin I am talking about pitching a tent and ruffin it. I hang out in a barber shop and play dominoes. Remember Checker Fred from the movie Barbershop? Well I am his niece Domino Chelle. Nice to meet cha. I have said all that to say this. Even though I am a tom boy that doesn't mean that I want to eat, bump, lick or even see another pussy that I wasn't born with. I am strictly dickly. I meet so many men that assume because I am not into all of the girly stuff like going shopping and shit that I have to be a clam licker. Well that is just wrong. I'm a daddy's girl and growing up went to fight parties, Laker and Raider games. I am not a female that hates other women. I don't like them much. I just don't have a lot in common with them. I don' t have any sisters just two hard headed brothers. While they are talking about Dr. Phil and Oprah episodes I would rather be talking sport stats, or my fantasy football teams. I get put into the sister or home girl role and that is getting old. I won't interrupt you watching the game by asking questions...because I too am deaf until half time or commercials. So fellas don't over look us you have no idea what you are missing.

How Mzwoodhunter Got Her Groove Back Part II

Continued…

After we eat lunch we decided to go and lay out on the beach. Or Kim decided that she wanted to lie out. It was kind of warm that day so I thought that I would enjoy the water. Our resort looked just like the pictures. Beautiful white sand beaches, the water was so clear that you could see the beach floor. I was walking along the beach, and snapping pictures. It felt so good to feel the sand squishing in between my toes. I see this big rock on the ocean floor. I go to step over the rock. Then the rock takes off!! The rock swims right under my foot! It was a big ass stingray and not a rock. If you could have seen me at that moment!! Jesus himself would have been impressed. I WAS LITERALLY WALKING ON WATER!! BABY!?! I could not get my black ass out of that water fast enough. It was a blessing that the sting ray didn’t sting me. I could have ended up like the crocodile hunter, dead. Needless to say that was the last time during that trip that I got in the water at the beach. I didn’t even get close enough to put my big toe in to “feel” it. I ended up getting my camera wet, so now it’s ruined, and I am pissed. We took some really good pictures on that camera. Oh well such is life.

I run over and tell Kim what happened. I tell her that I almost died. She is laughing because now we have both almost died so we are even. We have both almost been killed in a foreign land. Her murder would be by the hands of a Rasta, and mine by a sting ray. This trip has got to get better right? Well it does.

By now I have had enough of the beach so we decide to go back up to the room. On our way back to the hotel we notice a party boat. They are blasting some sort of Reggae music. We are a little nosey and want a closer look. So we walk a little closer and see that these people are having a great time. People are drinking, dancing, and laughing. A couple of the men working on the boat and invite us onboard. They want us to hang around while the people on the cruise are starting to leave. Well by now I am getting use to the usual questions. But this one guy is cute. He actually looks like Tae Diggs. I have no idea what his name was for the life of me I cannot remember. He brings with him a little friend who turns out to be his cousin. I guess because I am short I end up with him. I wanted the bigger one dammit! Oh well I end up with this little man they call Virgin. Who is also sexy, but short. When I say short Virgin was probably an inch taller then me, and that’s not saying much. I like something that I can climb on. I have no idea what his name is either. That is what everyone called him. They said that because of his baby face and the fact that he had never left Jamaica. SO be it, Virgin it is. We are making small talk they jokingly start calling my friend Stella. Stella is tall and has pretty chocolate skin, and long braids. That would be her name for the rest of the trip. We continue to make small talk and tell them which resort we are staying at and make plans to get together that night.

You can blame the weed for the rest of this story. Everything is pretty much a blur from her on out. I remember going to the club but that’s about it. We were to meet Virgin and Tae there. I remember thinking that the broads in there acted like the usual hoochies in the club. I guess Ludacris was right. They do have hoes in different area codes. We must have had a good time with Tae and Virgin because we make plans on meeting them the next day. Stella and Tae are having a great time they are laughing and talking. Not Virgin and me he is real quite and would just smile. I have never been too good with small talk. They take us back to the hotel. Their car was a piece of shit but we made it back to the hotel in one piece. Stella and Tae are playing kissy face while I am standing outside of the car wanting something to eat. Virgin isn’t talking all he would do is smile.

When we get inside there are the usual paparazzi lurking around. I sign a few autographs…just kidding. I am somewhat an asshole and was a little irritable because I am sure that I was drunk and had the munchies…again thanks to that damn Rasta. I really don’t want to be bother with these roaches. That is what they were to me now. All of these dudes were trying to use me for a green card. It took me a minute back then to catch on. So on our way into the hotel Stella stops and is actually talking to one of these roaches and invites him to eat with us. This dude is so fucking fake! I was fading in and out of his conversation. He was going on about knowing kingpins in New York. Stella was a bit of a hood rat so she is looking like she is in awe of this dude. After we finish eating I am so done. I am done listening to this dude and his name dropping. Seriously what good is name dropping if the people you are talking to have no fucking idea as to who you are speaking of? UUGH!! I call it a night and tell Stella that’s it for me I am out. She and this dude are tying to convince me to go to a club with them. I am getting really bad vibes from whomever the fuck this is. I tell her that I would pray for her and hopes that she makes it back. Back to my room I go with what must have been my 30th dirty banana. I lived off of those things while I was there. I had them for every meal and those times in between the weed too. When in Jamaica, do as the Jamaicans do right?

I wake up to find Stella in her bed sound asleep. Glad to know that she made it. I don’t remember what she told me happened when she went out with that dude. Must not have been much. We are supposed to meet Virgin and Tae this morning before they had to start their booze cruises for the day. We get dressed bathing suits and shorts, and head down stairs. The boys are waiting for us in the lobby, and off we go. So again we are in this little piece of shit car. It was great that we didn’t have to pay for a taxi or any of the expensive excursions that the resorts try to sell you. It was awesome that we have our very own tour guides. They could have told us were we were going but again I don’t remember then and I sure as hell don’t remember 8 years later. Tae could have told Stella. I don’t remember Virgin saying shit. Maybe he was mute and I forgot. We are driving up this mountain in the PIECE OF SHIT! I am in seriously doubt at this moment that we will ever make it up this mountain. I mean their little car was having a hell of a time. We finally put put up to the top of the hill. We get out of the car and Tae says hold on I need to get something out of the trunk. WHAT? The trunk? I am from the south. If you hear someone mentioning that they have to get something out of the trunk you listen and LOOK. I am looking at Stella like did you hear what he just said? She is giddy and completely oblivious to the fact that for one we really don’t know these guys. After that guy from last night that I was sure going to kidnap her and put her into some form of slavery I am looking at everyone different. I could have just been that got damn Rasta weed again. OK I need to calm down right? HELL NO!?!?! So guess what Tae gets out of the trunk? Take your time…I’ll wait.





Tae pulls from the trunk a big rusty ass MACHETE with out a handle wrapped with some duct tape. A got damn Machete and a blanket is what this guy pulls from the trunk! OK there isn’t enough weed in Jamaica to calm my nerves from this. I mean come on we don’t know these dudes. HELLO? Not even their real names. Is he going to hack us into little pieces and wrap us up in that blanket? I asked Stella in a whisper.

“Do you see with that Tae just pulled out of his trunk??”
“Yeah, so”. With a shrug.

Yeah? Yeah? This simple silly bitch says yeah. Like this is an every day event. To be with some guys we don’t really know who just happen to have a got damn machete. I could have done the river dance on her pinkie toe. So I am thinking to myself what in the hell do I do now? We are on top of a mountain and there is absolutely no one insight. When I say no one that is exactly what I mean. There is no one in sight, and no one within ear shot. I don’t know what to do. That is when Tae asks us to follow him. All I see is weeds. I am bringing up the rear. My thinking is this. Tae is leading the way, Stella is behind him, Virgin is behind her and I am last. I could tackle Virgin, break and run and pray that Stella can find her way out of this. Tae leads us to what looks like a forest of weeds. He uses the machete to cut us a path through this thick brush. Oh so that what the machete is for. Or so he would have me to believe. I still have my good eye on him. The path that he cut with the machete was a good 100 feet. When we actually get to where he was taking us. OH MY GOD! It was absolutely gorgeous. It turns out that we were at the Dunn’s River Fall. Most of the people who visit Jamaica will pay for this trip. It is to date the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. At this point I was calm and relaxed and just taking in this amazing scenery. It was calm and there were birds chirping. The river was running right through this forest of weeds. I felt honored to be here. You could tell by the high weeds that this wasn’t a place that is seen much by human eyes. There were no tourist trash here, no crowds, and no crying ass kids. It was just us, and it was amazing in more ways then one.

We parted ways here. Stella and Tae went one way and Virgin and I went another. They took the blanket so I figure that they were going to be getting busy somewhere. Stella is such a floozy. I honestly don’t remember having any conversation with Virgin. I am sure he could speak. I just don’t remember what he said he would just smile. Not one word…kinda sad too. O well. Virgin and I are walking hand in hand and I am really taking in the serenity of this place. We are walking on the rocks in the river and the water is rushing against the rocks pretty hard. He was careful and made sure I didn’t slip. We walk for a ways and we come to this perfect little spot. Now it seems evident to me that Virgin must have been here before. We come to this set of rocks that form a perfect seat in the river. The angels must have hidden this place. He sits down and sits me in his lap. The water is flowing towards us is hitting his back and flowing into my lap. Now there isn’t much that I remember of him other then the fact that he was little was only in stature. This little man was packing! Here we are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden when we begin to kiss. His kisses are so gentle and sweet. I have no idea why they call this man Virgin. Trust and believe his is not. Not in any shape or form a virgin. I still don’t know how this man was able to get me out of my shorts and bathing suit in what seemed like in seconds. This seat in the river must have been sculpted with Cupid’s own hand. I am sitting in his lap and the water and Virgin are rushing between my legs at the same time. It was heavenly. He is lifting me up and down and up and down with what seemed like little to no effort. I guess the saying is true still water do run deep. I should have known that there was something behind those smiles. Virgin my BLACK ASS!
To Be Continued…

Saturday, October 20, 2007

How Mzwoodhunter Got Her Groove Back Part I

Once upon a time in a far away land there was this girl. She was young and completely naive in most ways of the world. Nah just kidding the girl is me and this is one of my favorite whore stories. A group of girls decided to take a trip to Jamaica. This was shortly after the movie "How Stella Got Her Grove Back" came out. There were about 13 of us who were going to take the trip. I was so excited because this will be the first time that I would be traveling outside of the U S of A. So we all have a meeting about the costs and what not. I mean 13 women on one trip? Not just regular women mind you, I am talking about 13 black women. So we have the meeting and everyone is excited and talking about this and that. Everything seemed so well planned. We were told how much it would cost deposits and stuff. Well I am all in. At the time we all were. Well as you can guess not all of the women made the trip. By not all the women I mean there were only 2 of us who actually made the trip. That was fine by me I hate most women.
JAMAICA HERE I COME! when we land at the airport I have instant butterflies in my tummy. We get our bags and what not. Them BAM!! It was like me and my friend were like one of those care packages that you drop off to those 3rd world countries. These men working at the airport were ridiculous. They were all asking the same questions. "What's your hotel and room number". After the 5th or 6th dude asks I finally wise up and quit giving out that information. It so funny thinking about that now and how much I have changed.
We are not outside of the airport and I feel like a movie star and we are trying to escape the paparazzi. So when we get outside I am approach by a local who is like. "Aye my sista? Do you want some chi chi or may be cha cha"? I am not really sure what he said but it was something like that and I didn't know what he was talking about. He must have gotten that because then he says "Put this in your bag". Well my dumb ass does as he says and I open my purse and take what he has just handed me. He gives me a red bandanna. I put it in my purse and I am looking at him with a like What the fuck is this look on my face. Then the man says "$50.00". "For what?" He's like for the Chi Chi. Now I am catching on, but still not knowing what the hell I jut put in my bag. So I ask the man what in the hell is Chi Chi? That is when he tells me it's weed. I think that I had an instant panic attack. I have a bag of weed in my purse!?!?! A bag of weed in my purse at the damn airport. Now I ask this man are you serious here take this back. I take the red banana outta my purse and give it back to the man. Now I am speed walking away from him. He is right behind me. I tell the man that I am not buying any weed from $50.00. So now he is trying to bargain with me. I tell him I don't want it and would try and get some later. Now up until this point I have never bought any weed. I was an opportunistic smoker...got weed? I am gonna smoke. $50.00 seemed like a lot so any way I tell the man no. I thought then that all weed sacks were $25.00. I told him that was all I was going to give him, but I am not buying weed at the airport. He is telling no worries and and everyting is arie. Hell no mister I am not buying weed at the airport.
We all load onto this bus. This is when we find out that it's an hour to our resort. We landed in Montego Bay, but the resort was in Ochos Rios. On our way we go. This is the scariest hour of my life. The highway is only 2 lanes and as far as I am concerned we are on the wrong side of the got damn street!! This highway is only about as wide as one regular lane here in the US. Not only is the lane super narrow there are people riding bikes n shit along this highway. There are the people riding bikes, shepards walking their goats n shit and we are doing 90 to nothing going the wrong way on this little ass highway. Panic attack number 2. I am getting sick just watching this bus driver almost kill the chickens, men, women and children who are also walking along the street. I don't think you are getting in it's so narrow that when there are other cars and buses coming from the opposite direction the bus moves over on to the shoulder literally scraping trees n shit. It's seem hilarious now. But there wasn't shit funny when we were making that trip. So we are now about 30 minutes from the resort so the bus stops at this lil hut store so that we could use the bathroom and get drinks and snacks. So as soon as my foot hit solid grown I am so happy to get out of that death mobile. Then POOF!! Out of nowhere here is the local man from the airport. The same weed peddler? I'm kidding right? NO...It's him!! This man had somehow avoided being crushed by this bus, and beat us to the spot. When I see this man I was like you have got to be shitting me. When he sees me he makes a b line right up to me. He is still trying to haggle me 45, 40, 35? Once he figured I wasn't going to budge he sells me the so called $50.00 bag o' weed for $25.00. It was the least I could do since he made a 30 minute drive. I still laugh about that shit to this day. Back to the bus where my life was previously flashing by. I wish I could have rolled something to calm my nerves for this dreadful now 30 minute trip. When we get into the city we are driving slower and I am able to take in the beautiful scenery. OH hell no! The people live in horrible conditions it's like a 3rd world county. They are run down shacks everywhere. I seriously doubt that most of these people had any running water. Goats and chickens line the streets everywhere.
Finally we are at the hotel and we made it in one piece! The hotel is beautiful. We stayed at the Renaissance Grand Hotel. An all inclusive resort. First point of business it to get high. I am in Jamaica. I will just be dammed!! I don't have any got damn papers. I heard that you could use the bible papers but I didn't want to get instant cancer so what is the next best thing in my Mcguyver mind...Phonebook paper! I am shaking my head right now. I get the chi chi and it is so sticky and wet that when I was breaking it up I had resin sticking to all of my fingers. I roll what looked like a fake ass blunt you might see on TV it was H U G E. ( lol) I am not a professional smoker at this point. I think smoking a blunt rolled in phonebook paper put me mighty close. I start smoking and it was damn near impossible because local weed guy must have just plucked these buds off of his tree it was still to wet. I couldn't wait for it to dry. Anyhoo...So I am smoking and smoke is billowing out of me and this blunt like a chimney Damn the local Rasta with this wet ass weed. My home girl decides that she wants to smoke as well. She is like I haven't smoked since college. She is older then my by like 10 years older then me. I tell her bitch we are in Jamaica do like the Jamaicans do! Right? Wrong OH so wrong. So she takes a few puffs and then all hell breaks loose. This bitch is smoking then she starts to laugh the laughing at nothing type of laughing. I am laughing too because I know we ain't laughing at shit...that was sooooooo damn funny. Weed smokers get this. Then the next phase was the choking, from the choking. She was coughing and convulsing on the bed. From that came crying and chocking at the same time. Now keep in mind that I am high too. We are in a foreign country and I wasn't sure then or now but I don't think that they had 911! All I knew was that I damn sure couldn't call to report that this silly ass hoe was having a weed overdose. From some weed we were smoking that we got at a rest stop!?! I am telling this girl to calm the fuck down yelling at her that I can't call 911. So she finally calms down and I tell her that this is the end of her weed smoking. With me anyway. She fucked up my high. The rest of the trip I smoked by myself on the balcony. Now its munchie time.
This hotel has like 8 restaurants and a 24 hour buffet. When we open the door we must have been followed by a cloud of smoke like Cheech n Chong were in there with us. I was looking at the way people were looking at us. I cracked up at this old lady who looked at us and just smiled and shook her head. Hello Lady we are in Jamaica. I still had the damn giggles. When we get down stairs we are now being harassed by the wait staff and the bell hop paparazzi. They are asking what are now the usual questions are you married? and what is your room number? We eat and go back to the room and go to sleep. But we don't sleep long. The is when all of the airport paparazzi must have got home, because now our phone is ringing. We are getting all kinds of calls from who the hell knows. Just the random roaches from the hotel and airport. I tell my friend listen I am not answering any more calls tonight. I take the phone off of the hook. Finally I sleep.
I wake up early the next morning. My friend doesn't want to get up. I shit shower and shave and leave the room. I am just walking not sure where I am going but I wanted to get out of the room. So I wander out of the resort and onto another beach. I was in shock to see a couple of cops getting high under a tree with what looked like a homeless man. I have a picture of him somewhere. Not the cops though.
I meet up with my friend later that day and we go and get something to eat. I lived off of dirty bananas morning, noon and night while I was there. Hell it's all inclusive. It was some kind of rum concoction with bananas, which I hate. Take some bananas add a little ice and milk...Viola!! It's breakfast.
TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sheeeeeee's Baaaa-aaaaack!!








So she isn't here yet but you can bet your bottom dollar that her ass is on her way.

And by she I mean "that lady".

And by "that lady" I mean that b*tch.

Sure I know her ass is coming she visits every d*mn month. Well unless I am really stressed out, but then she makes up for it on her next visit. She usually gets here at the worse time. I mean she wants to visit when I am going on vacation. Or worse the whore even has the nerve to show up out of the blue without any notice. That Lady will never give me a time when she will arrive. She comes in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day. She has ruined quite a few clothes over the years and she has yet to give me a dime to replace them. She puts me in a bad mood. Usually my attitude starts to get bad a day or two before she is to arrive. Then it gets worse when she shows up. I get moody or extra special sensitive and for the people that know me that is sooo out of character or me. That is my first clue that her ass is coming. I have to warn my friends and family about her upcoming arrival.
So since most of you are forewarned...you better "be afraid...be very very afraid.
So since you are warned I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have found something to ease the symptoms a bit...
Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Explosion
Mmm Mmm Good
Her visits vary from person to person.
Her trifling ass must like me better then most even though I dispise her ass.
I have heard some say the she only stays with them for just 3 days.
When she gets here I know that she will be here for at least 5 days.
On the 5th day on many occasions she likes to just hang around like we are cool.
But OH NO NO...HOE your ass has got to go.
Vinegar & Water makes her ass melt away like the witch on the Wizard of OZ.
On that 5th day when I get home she is leaving.
((((((((((P E R I O D))))))))))

Imposters...?




So I have been hood winked, led astray, run amuck even, yet again. I mean I am not saying that "the guy" was the one. I was just hoping that maybe he could have been. But no he wasn't! Not even close he was one of the many imposters who roam the earth. He talked the talk and seemed to even walk the walk. We could talk for hours and laugh and joke around it was great. Then it happened. See I am usually the runner in just about all of my relationships; it just seems like this time he put his shoes on first and took off. He said all of the right things. He wasn't just out for sex and blah blah blah...Bullshit. My bullshit detector started going off but I chose to ignore it. He tried to get some the first night. Going into that story would be a blog by itself and I am just not ready to write about it yet. (stay tuned) I really liked his bootleg ass. But that is what happens when you deal with cheap fakes. It looks nice for a day or two but they never last as long. If you look close enough you can tell the imposters from the authentic. He was just another cheap ass imposter like those strong smelling imposter perfumes. I should have smelled his ass a mile away.So I have been hood winked, led astray, run amuck even, yet again. I mean I am not saying that "the guy" was the one. I was just hoping that maybe he could have been. But no he wasn't! Not even close he was one of the many imposters who roam the earth. He talked the talk and seemed to even walk the walk. We could talk for hours and laugh and joke around it was great. Then it happened. See I am usually the runner in just about all of my relationships; it just seems like this time he put his shoes on first and took off. He said all of the right things. He wasn't just out for sex and blah blah blah...Bullshit. My bullshit detector started going off but I chose to ignore it. He tried to get some the first night. Going into that story would be a blog by itself and I am just not ready to write about it yet. (stay tuned) I really liked his bootleg ass. But that is what happens when you deal with cheap fakes. It looks nice for a day or two but they never last as long. If you look close enough you can tell the imposters from the authentic. He was just another cheap ass imposter like those strong smelling imposter perfumes. I should have smelled his ass a mile away.

Mother Nature Can Kiss My Black Ass!




Today I was planning on doing some booty duty (sex). This guy that I am seeing right now doesn't live in the area so when he is here it's going down. He lives about 2 hours away. He knows it, and I know it. It is what it is. So he was supposed to come over last night. Well due to a bunch of bullshit that I'm not going into he doesn't make it. OK no big deal right?
W R O N G...SO so wrong. I would say serves him right if I didn't want some too. (LOL)
So I am at work today and I get off at 2:00. You guys are not going to believe who the fuck showed up at 1:48 and ruined my got damn plans. Oh and when I say 1:48 that is exactly the time she showed up...yeah you guessed it Mother got damn Nature!! Now according to my calculations this whore shouldn't be here until 10/20...Today is the 18th? It's like she is lurking around a corner and hiding behind bushes n shit . You know? Like she knows just when to pop up to ruin a vacation or some USDA. It pisses me off any way but when booty duty is pre planned? Well that's just not right.
I have this horrible habit of telling the truth in the most inappropriate times. The guy calls and was like. So what are you doing when you get home? My reply? "Oh Bleeding." (SMH) One of these days I am going to work on that thing that my momma always told me I didn't have...TACT. OK so I might be a little pissed about him not showing up. I am even more pissed that he didn't show up and I started my period. What I am the most pissed about is the scary ass men that can't, don't or won't have sex with their lady when she is bleeding. Men for the record I am not saying to pick up any random one night stand broad to do it with either that would be filthy. I mean your wife, baby mamma, or girlfriend. Now there are some women who flow like the Nile those are the women who don't seem to know that they are on their periods until they have a bloody crotch (ga-ross). These women shouldn't be touched. How can you not tell? I mean ugh. I know the second it starts. Get to know yourselves nasty asses!!
Most women know what day would be a good day (not those nasty cows mentioned above). I happen to have 3. These are the light days, the days that I almost forget the I am bleeding days. The days are days 3-5 of my period. These are the days that I am still bleeding but still need to protect my clothes. This is a trick of the trade that has been passed around. I have found that it's easier for me to just tell the truth. They can take it or leave it. I call Miss Kitty the Red Snapper when I am on my period. You can run a hot bath real hot as hot as you can get it. I have a friend that swears by this method. She takes a hot bath and then uses one of those old "red hot water bottle" douches filled with more hot ass water. She says that this will stop your period for a few hours.
I have had the best sex of my life while "that lady was in my house" or on my period. It actually happened on a accident the first time. This guy of mine was so good I could never tell him no. Well like today I figure that I still have a couple of days left. But he knocked something loose that night. See him and I when the two of us got together it was some fireworks popping kinda sex. There wasn't any love making between us. It was the break the head board get a leg cramp kinda sex. We just had that thing. It was always good but this time? This time here was mm mm good. It was so good that if I cried a lot. I would have been boo hoo'n. So good that he kept saying how good miss kitty felt. How hot she was. So after I am sure I'm on my 3rd or 4th orgasm (he was always good for at least 3) he starts this love making kinda sex. Kissing and slow grinding kinda sex...I just had a flash back. I need a moment...Whew. OK 6 no bullshit when we are finally done I have had 6 orgasms. Any hoo...when he gets up to throw out the condom all I hear is.
Damn!!
Me: Um you OK?
Him: What have you done to me?
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Him: Why didn't you tell me you were on your period?
Me: Um I wasn't. You must have knocked something loose.
Him: Damn!
Me: LMAO
Him: Why are you laughing?
Me: Because. If I would have known it would have been that good I wouldn't have told you shit! If I did know.
Him: It was good huh?
That was all it took for me to be hooked. I was sold from that day to this. He is from New Orleans and figured it was some sort of voodoo roux that I put on him. Guess it worked too. From then on he didn't care if I was bleeding or not. Not sure how his baby mamma felt about that though. I have only talked one other man into doing it since the first. The second would complain and bitch and moan until we got started but he always woke up with a smile on his face.
So if you are male or female that find sex during hers or your period nasty. I recommend that you try it at least once. If the blood gets to you as it gets to me turn the lights off, or try it in the shower the first time. If you see a lot of blood you picked the wrong day. There is no better lube then the natural kind. I don't even get any on the sheets...